Should a Husband Tell His Wife About His Sexual Sins and Addiction

An interview with Jim O’Day, Executive Director of Integrity Restored

A husband and wife are to be “one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24)
Undivided.
The Bible tells us to “confess our sins to one another that we may be healed.” (James 5:16)
But should a husband tell his wife about his sexual addiction and porn use?

Let’s face it, men are overwhelmed by lust and fall prey to watching porn consistently.
Some recent stats from the Barna Group published in 2024 highlight this:

• Pornography use remains a growing problem. Today, three in five U.S. adults (61%) report viewing pornography, and half of those who use porn say that “no one” knows.
• While many churches may not be running specific programs to help porn users, 75 percent of U.S. pastors say they are individually ministering to those who struggle with porn. They indicate that 51% of those who’ve sought help from them are married men

• Since 2015 There is also a notable uptick in the number of women accessing pornographic content (39% then vs. 44% now)
• 48% practicing Christians, 43% non-practicing Christians, 49% non-Christians says they encounter porn on at least a monthly basis; about one in 10 comes across it daily.
• The top reason for using pornography is the same regardless of one’s relationship to Christianity: personal arousal.
• Barna data reveals that 21% of married U.S. adults report viewing porn on at least a weekly basis.
  

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Unfortunately, men eventually attempt to find ways to actively live out their sexual imaginative exploits.
Many men hate the fact that they are tortured by lust and are shackled by sexual addiction.
They seek counsel, refuge from the battle.
They want to be healed.

But healing comes at a price.

Men have said something along these lines:
“I have confessed my porn use—my sexual addiction—to a priest, I have gone to therapy, but I am still haunted by it.
Do I tell my wife?”

Below is an interview with Jim O’Day, Executive Director of Integrity Restored where we discuss whether a husband is to tell his wife about his sexual addictions, and if so, how?

Devin: Jim, as the Executive Director of Integrity Restored, you have years of experience in coaching people (men and women) through their sexual addictions.
Before we get to the big question: Should a husband confide his sexual addiction to his wife?
Could you outline the pros and cons of a husband confessing his addiction to his wife?

Jim: Good question.
Before I give the pros and cons it is important that we understand the two types of disclosure, meaning how and when a man reveals his sex/porn addiction to his wife.

Two types of disclosure

There are two types of disclosure.
The first type of disclosure is a spontaneous confession.
He gets caught.
Typically, his initial reaction is to gaslight her: “No that isn’t what you saw on my phone.” “Yeah, I did that, but it was only once.”

The second type of disclosure is therapeutic disclosure, that is, working with a priest, a therapist, counselor, a trained professional who accompanies the person struggling to help manage the disclosure process.

Before proceeding, it is important that I address a horribly devastating form of disclosure that inflicts emotional and psychological damage on a wife.
Often a man will blame his wife for his porn use, or his sexual addiction.
He shames her by saying things like, “You don’t have sex enough” ; “You don’t do what I want you to do” ; “You gained weight – I like the 18-year-old body.”

This is not her fault.
Blaming her for his addiction will only increase the trauma.
For this reason, it is imperative that the disclosure process be managed by a trained professional.

With that said, let’s outline the pros and cons.

Pros:

True recovery, true redemption requires full honesty.
For a man to be healed of sexual addiction he has to be 100% honest.
Even if his wife isn’t giving any indication that she is aware of his addiction, 99% of the time she is feels that something is not right.
She knows intuitively that there is something disordered in her husband’s behavior.
She may not address it, but she knows.

So, the pros would be:

• A high probability of healing and liberation from sexual addiction
• A real possibility that the couple would have an honest, transparent, relationship
• Trust within the marriage would be rebuilt
• He no longer is ashamed of his addiction and even of his own self
• Higher self-confidence
• Lives in right relationship with God and his wife

Cons:

Cons, or should I say, the wrong way and wrong motive behind disclosing are:

1. Off-loading guilt—Impure Intention
Often guys will confess to make themselves feel better—to off-load the guilt on his wife.
A man must ask himself why I am telling her and why am I telling her now?
If his motivation is to make himself to feel better at her expense, it is the incorrect motivation.

2. Staggered Disclosure
Staggered disclosure occurs when the husband or wife, depending on who is struggling with an addiction, reveals bits and pieces of the problem over a long period of time.
Like a slow drip of a toxin into the blood, it slowly kills her ability to thrive.

For example, his wife finds porn on his phone.
He makes a lame excuse, “I don’t know how it got there.” “I must have clicked on some stupid link.”
But later she catches him in the act.
At this point then he confesses, but only partially, “Well I did look at a little.”
He slowly drags out the torturous process of revealing just how deep the struggle is.
This staggered disclosure is like repeatedly ripping off a scab only to cause a worse problem—an infection.
He doesn’t do anything to help heal her.
He slowly tortures her with the pain of his vice.

3. Drowns His Wife Under His Big Dump Confession

Over the years of coaching for Integrity Restored, I have found that this is the most common type of disclosure: A guy goes completely bonkers, dumps everything—all the details of his addiction, perhaps since childhood—on his wife in one sitting.

She’s in legitimate emotional and psychological shock.
Because she has not been prepared for the bomb that was dropped on her, she has little to no capacity to comprehend what she is hearing.
The addicted husband has no regard for how his dumping on her will affect her.

Devin: When and how should a husband share that potentially hurtful and damaging information with his wife?

Jim: Before answering that question directly, it is important that we understand how a typical healing process looks.

First, in order for couples to heal, we recommend, that the addict have 3-6 months sobriety underway, prior to disclosing his or her addiction.

Second, the wife of the addict, recognizes that something is “off” in their relationship, and therefore recognizes her own need for counseling, or therapy and sees a professional or a priest.
Each spouse ought to receive mutually exclusive therapy prior to the disclosure.

Third, after sobriety is underway, the couple attend an official disclosure meeting wherein with a priest, therapist or trained professional he confesses his sexual addiction to his wife.
This means that the husband brings his wife to the meeting; and again, the official disclosure meeting is with priest or therapist who is trained to manage this process.

Devin: What if the wife is not certain of her husband’s addiction? How will she become aware that she needs therapy?

Jim: Often, it depends on the addict.
He could recommend to his wife that—because of the struggles in their marriage—she see a therapist.
He could say something like, “I’m going to therapy and it’s helping a lot. I think you would find it beneficial too.”
But he cannot coerce her.

It is quite possible that she will resist and retort that he is the problem and not her, “You get the help you need. I’m okay.”

The reason I recommend that both the husband and wife are already seeing their own therapist prior to a disclosure is because if she is not seeing a therapist, his disclosure will be like a bomb that explodes her world.
She may not be prepared— emotionally, psychologically—to engage the situation.

Devin: Is there any situation that demands immediate disclosure?

Jim: There are certain cases, usually rare, where immediate disclosure is necessary—even without a professional.

1. You are caught in act.
Don’t gaslight, don’t blame.
Don’t make excuses.
Disclose that you have a problem.

2. If you are involved in anything illegal, or that has potential legal ramifications.
You don’t want cops showing up and tell your wife what you have been doing.

3. You and your wife are still engaging in sexual intercourse, and you could potentially transmit to her a STD.

In these cases, confess immediately.

In all other cases attend a12-step SA program.
Get on a recovery plan.
Discuss with priest, or a trained professional when and how to have disclosure meeting with your wife.

Devin: Is there any occasion that demands that a husband not tell his wife?

Jim: The only one that comes to mind is if you are not going to stop and you don’t want to get help.

Obviously, if your wife is ill, struggling with mental health, your wife recently had a c-section and is suffering from post-partum, or something similar it is important to speak with professional before disclosure.
The professional will consider all these situational dynamics and determine the optimal time of disclosure.

Ultimately, if the addict is to recover, it is necessary for him to disclose his addiction to his wife.
Yes, it is most difficult. And yes, it has the most potential to obtain real healing.

Devin: At what level does he shield her from his addiction?
What is an acceptable form of shielding – how does he guard her?

Jim:

1. He has to be getting help.

2. He is to seek his therapist’s counsel as to when and how he should discuss his falls.
The recommended protocol may be different depending on the wife.
Some women want to know every time her husband falls.
If he is getting help, she is more likely to want to be aware of his trials.

Some women don’t want to know when their husband falls.
“Just do your work on your personal healing and I’ll do mine.”
But most of the women with this approach will have an expiration date.
They will only give the healing process so much time.

3. His wife is not his accountability partner.
He should not tell her every time he falls. This is a form of staggered disclosure.
Your wife is not your cop—she’s your wife.
He needs to reveal that to his accountability partner, priest or professional therapist.

Most men think they can white-knuckle it and do it themselves…but they can’t.
They need help in order to be healed and to heal their relationship.

It is important for both the husband and wife to understand the typical recovery time for both spouses.

A man, by means of hard work and accountability, can be well on his way to full recovery within a year.
A woman, however, who suffers from betrayal trauma, could take 2-3 years for her to completely recover.

Devin: The damage is so deep.

Jim: Yes. When a woman marries a man (she may not be consciously thinking this) she believes her husband to be a knight in shining armor.
She esteems him as her guardian and protector.
When the person she trusts the most has let her down in the worst way possible, that suit of armor becomes trusted.
It will take her more time to heal than her husband because the trust she had in him is broken and has to be rebuilt.

This is why disclosure in a professional managed context is so vital.
If he is not coached, he can inflict tremendous pain on his wife.
But with managed disclosure, real healing is possible.

*If you need help or would like to know more about Jim O’ Day visit: IntegrityRestored.com

Devin Schadt | Executive Director of the Fathers of St. Joseph

Ite ad Joseph