3 Ways to Reach Your Daughter

A father recounted that his teenage daughter was sharing with him a conversation she had with a friend.
As she was talking, she noticed that her father seemed preoccupied.
He and she knew that he was.
To compensate for this lack of attention he asked her a question.
Evidently the question had already been answered by what the daughter had already shared.
To which she responded, “Dad, you just don’t listen.”
He said that her words cut him to the core because he knew that they were true.

We men have a multitude of duties, responsibilities and daily tasks that nearly consume us.
Often, we are unable to refrain from thinking of such matters until they are resolved.
Our minds are “somewhere else” rather than in the present and being present to our loved ones.

One famous podcaster’s wife said to him, “You are never here.” To which he responded, “I’m at home all the time!” To which she retorted, “Yes, you are here, you are in the pictures, but you are always somewhere else.”

Many bricks build a house, and many mini failures to be present to our daughters create a fissure that—later in life—is difficult to build a bridge over.

Our daughters want to be chosen—not just tolerated.
They want to be the apple of someone’s eye.
If they aren’t, they will do nearly anything to obtain that attention.

If we fathers do not give our daughters the attention and affection that they deserve and need, they will look for the attention and affection from boys we don’t approve of.

Nearly every father messes this up.
I have not met one dad who has not let his daughter down at least one time or another in this area.

So, what are we to do?
Especially if our relationship with our daughters is strained?

We must begin somewhere; and we must begin small.
The kingdom of heaven is like a grain of a mustard seed—it begins small.

Daughters need many things…too many to outline in a blog post.
We can, however, begin by giving them three things that indicate that we choose them rather than tolerate them.

1. Attention
When she is in your vicinity, you acknowledge her presence with a kind greeting.
You try to start a conversation with her.
You ask her who/what/how questions rather than yes/no questions.
For example, “What do you have going on today?”
“How did your time with your friend go? What did you do?”
When she is sharing something with you make solid eye contact.
Pay attention to not only what is being said, but also how she is saying it.

Asking about her feelings is very important.
You may sound like a psychologist, but it is okay to ask, “How did that make you feel?” “Are you okay with that?”

Asking for her opinion is also very important.
“What do you think about this/that?”
If she doesn’t trust that you really care she may give you minimal responses.
But if you are consistent and sincere, over time she will share more of her inner self with you.

2. Affirmation
Be affirming.
Notice her hair, her nails, what she is wearing.
Notice what she does. Who she is spending time with.
Comment on her beauty in a positive and encouraging way.
If you are uncomfortable with this, just be honest and express that.
Say something like, “I hope this doesn’t sound weird, but you are beautiful.”
She may say “Dad, that’s awkward.” But she is thinking, “My Dad thinks I’m pretty.”
You can say things like, “I noticed that you are studying really hard.”
Or even asking, “Are you okay? Are you down?”

Recently a female friend shared with me that while she and her husband were shopping at the grocery store, decided to pick out a couple of items for their daughter: Twix, Chai tea, dill pickle chips.

Notice that he notices her.
When he gives these things to her she cannot help but to think, “My dad really knows me.”
All of this says, “Dad notices me. I am not invisible.”

Affirm her personality.
Words of encouragement are decisive.
Often times, a child needs to hear someone giving them permission to dare to be better, to be different from the world, to live for God.
Hearing, “I know you can do this—and I am here if you need me” is very powerful and supportive.
But always back it up.
Be there for her.

3. Affection
Because of the secular culture’s warped and distorted perception of sex, fathers often feel very uncomfortable being physically affectionate to their daughters.

If a father is not physically affectionate to his daughter, she will inevitably convince herself that she is not worthy of affection…that something is wrong with her.

If she believes this she will tend toward one of two behavioral extremes: she will either bury and resent and desire for physical affection and become cold. Or, she will crave physical affection and seek ways to obtain it.
Simply give her a hug when she is leaving the house.
Give her a kiss on the forehead before she goes to sleep for the evening.
Bless her every night before bed.
Proper, dignified affection is a must.

Don’t throw the baby (affection) out with the bathwater (disordered perverted sexuality).

Remember, regarding your daughter you have one job: to be the face of God the Father that your child cannot see (give her attention); be the voice of God the Father that your daughter cannot hear (give her affirmation); be the touch of God the Father that your daughter cannot feel (give her affection).

Be a father on earth like the Father in Heaven.

To understand the deeper crisis of fatherhood and the model provided by St. Joseph, read St. Joseph’s Fatherhood.