Transform Your Trials into Your Triumph: 3 Steps

Being conquered by an addiction, confronting the aftermath of infidelity, living in the wake of financial distress, the loss of employment, existing in a lackluster marriage, suffering from being rejected by our own children, being diagnosed with a chronic illness, being invisible to the world around us; being rejected by our peers; having not achieved any of the aspirations that were once the fire in our soul…

Of course, there are a million more reasons why our lives end up being what we don’t desire them to be.

We often despise others because we despise our life, and we despise our life, not for external reasons but because we despise our internal self.

The tendency is to blame others, the situations surrounding us, our environment, the government, that annoying co-worker, the boss, that darn YouTube algorithm, the ol’ ball and chain, those disrespectful, thankless kids, that seductive image that popped up in my Instagram feed…
whatever it is, we displace our culpability unto “that” reason for why our lives are a mess.

We blame to avoid the shame.
We deflect in hopes to maintain self-respect.
But when we don’t take ownership over ourselves, we have little self-respect.

Others sniff that insecurity out…and join you in your self-disrespect.

No one is going to rescue you from dis-respecting yourself.
Respect yourself and others will respect you.

If you are like me, there has been a point, or in my case, a multitude of points where I realized that I hated my life, and more precisely who I had become.
I attempted to bury that reality by sedating myself with anything that would preoccupy, detain, and distract me from contemplating the question:
how do I fix this mess of me?

This post is not just for those men who have hit rock bottom and only have one way to look—up…
This post is for anyone whose pain of not becoming who you were created to be, becomes so intense that you are willing to embrace the pain of changing your life.

Often, we avoid the pain demanded in becoming better until the pain of being pathetic is so painful that we want that pain to disappear.

We all have areas of our life that incur this kind of pain…
the deepest pain, the most shameful pain…
the pain of not living up to and being who and what we know we are made for.
But often, the “project” of the “better” self is too overwhelming.

“Where do I begin?
What should I work on first?
So many aspects of my life are out of control.
I have little to no success in mastering myself.”

How to Begin Again

Step 1: Allow yourself to be Convicted

The chief obstacle to having a great life is an unwillingness to recognize two things: first, that we are steeped in sin, or consistently fall into the same patterns of sin; second, our need to begin anew.
We simply avoid acknowledging either of these realities.

People who remain chained in their pitiful existence are often those who refuse to admit that they are wrong, have done wrong, or think wrongly about themselves and others.

Conviction leads to conversion.
Without conviction there really is no real conversion.
It is imperative that we allow God to convict us of our “wrong” so that He can make us “right.”

For example: if I want mercy yet am unwilling to admit my sin, then there is no application for mercy.
To give mercy to another who doesn’t think they need it, is a waste of time—and compassion.
Mercy is only applied when justice is demanded—and accepted.

If you cannot admit that you need mercy, then you are unable to receive God’s mercy.

Our Lord said to St. Faustina, “Enter through the door of my mercy, lest you enter through the door of My justice.”
To deny ourselves the opportunity to be convicted of our “wrong” is to reject mercy and condemn oneself.

Several years ago, I was on the last leg of my trip home from meetings out East.
A middle-aged woman sat in the seat next me.
We greeted each other and she promptly put in her ear buds, which is like saying, “Leave me alone, I need to chill.”
Over the course of the flight, she began to talk to me.
Initially our conversation consisted of superfluous niceties.
It wasn’t until after I asked her why she traveled so often that she began to reveal her life story.

As long as she, Mandy, could remember, her dad was a king-pin drug dealer.
As a little girl as young as four, her dad would have her weigh the drugs.
As a teenager she began doing interstate drug runs, while dealing and doing.
She eventually became an addict.

Though she had evaded police authorities over the years, she was arrested for drug possession and drug trafficking in her mid-thirties.

As the police officer cuffed her, she cold-cocked him and spit in his face.
She was tried and found guilty of multiple felonies—including assaulting a police officer—and incurred a hefty prison sentence.
Justice was rightly applied to Mandy.

While she was in prison, the judge who convicted her asked to see her.
Initially, she refused.
But eventually she became lonely, and one day, in a moment of weakness, she allowed him to visit her.

The visits continued, and over the course of many meetings they became friends.
During one of their visits, Mandy asked the judge why he had taken an interest in her.
He said that he was just like her.
She laughed.
To which he responded, “I’m serious . . . I’m a sinner who needs a Savior.”

This judge embodied a very important truth: all men sin and are deprived of God’s glory (see Rom 3:23), and therefore each and every one of us need a Savior.
His ability to see himself in Mandy allowed her to see herself in him.
Because he could see his sin in her, she could see her redemption in him; and because of him, that day she surrendered her life to Jesus Christ.

Mandy finished her story by saying that the day she was paroled not one member of her family or any of her old drug friends came to the prison to greet her.
There were, however, two people who were present to welcome her with open arms:
the judge and the officer she had cold-cocked . . .
They had been praying for her during her imprisonment.

Conviction is intended to awaken the person to their grave guilt, which can lead them to repentance.
When that conviction is built upon with love from a non-condemning individual, a person can experience conversion to Christ.

Condemnation rarely converts.
Almost always a person is converted by love.

Paraphrasing St. Augustine, the person you judge good, may end up damned, and those you judge damned, may end up good.
Though the judge was powerful in giving Mandy her just sentence, he expressed even greater power by bringing Christ to her.

What is your vice?
What are you using to sedate yourself from the pain of becoming better?
It is right there, in that vice, sin, or whatever you want to call it, that we need to invite Christ in and allow Him to condemn it, identify it as evil; to tell you that if “this” doesn’t change you will not change for the better.

It could be as “minimal” as not exercising regularly.
Yet, as “minimal” as this may appear to be, to not exercise is to neglect one of your greatest gifts—your body.
Eventually, the body that you neglect now will become your prison.

Nothing is little.
St. John of the Cross uses the image of a bird tethered by a light, almost imperceptible thread.
The bird refuses to fly because it is convinced that it cannot be free from the thread.

Often the smallest of vices are the biggest obstacle to virtue.

Step 2: Conversion

Conviction must lead to conversion, lest it become condemnation.
Jesus’ proclamation still rings true today: Repent and believe in the Gospel.

The Greek word for repent is metanoia, which literally means to change direction, to change one’s mind.

Our minds determine our behavior.
Make the decision to think differently.
Identify the vision of the real, ideal you.
Think about that often.
Pray about it often.

Personally, I know the ideal me is the saint.
The son of the Father.
The man who trusts the Father so intensely and intentionally that I am willing to risk, give and even suffer for Him.
That is the vision that I want to achieve and live.

When I think about a vice or sin that is a deterrent to my true God-given, hoped-for identity, I think about it differently.
Rather than being allured by it, I identify it as an obstacle, an enemy that must be vanquished.

Step 3: Make a New Small Habit

You may think that your singular acts of vice individually are not that impactful.
A piece of cake here.
A can of Coke there.
A couple shots of whiskey.
Another snack.
Another peek at the scantily clad beauty.
Another morning of sleeping in.
Another day without exercising.
Another day without praying.
Another night of going to bed without telling my wife I love her…

By themselves, they don’t appear to be all that crippling.
Collectively, they become an anchor, attached to a chain, attached to your leg, as you attempt to swim to the surface of water and gasp for air.
Collectively, they drown the soul.

The truth is that when the many singular acts of vice collect, they create a surplus collective vice that impedes us from becoming saints.

Make the decision to think differently.
If you are addicted to something, do research and discover the ill-effects of that “something.”
Make the decision to think differently about it.
Make that “something” your enemy.
Identify it as the enemy that is attempting to keep you from becoming who you ought to be.

Take the next step of replacing that addiction with something that will benefit you.
For example, instead of going to the fridge when you are bored, do a set of pushups, or have a conversation with your wife, or call a friend.
Replace something not so good with something that benefits you…and others.

The more you replace small vices with small virtues, the more powerful you become.
The collective surplus vice eventually is transformed into collective virtue (power).

And gradually, your mess of a life becomes your message.
Your pain becomes your power.

Allow yourself to be convicted.
Make the decision to be converted.
Make new small habits today that will make your tomorrow what God wants it to be.