The Subtle Ways Husbands Drift Away Without Realizing It

According to wives, these are the top six things that men do (or not do) that cause drift and distance in their marriage.
They are listed from least mentioned to most mentioned, and finally the most frequently cited factor that nearly all the women surveyed mentioned and some mentioned repeatedly.

1. He Is Controlling
As one woman said, “Treat me as if I am equal intelligence and capable of making decisions for our family.”
Or another woman said, “When he controls every aspect of our lives, like finances, it makes me feel like he cannot trust me.”
Again,

“A man can do many things right. He can be chaste, virtuous and religious, but if his wife feels controlled or that he is trying to fix her, she will distance herself from him.”

2. Ingratitude
He simply doesn’t appreciate, notice, or affirm her efforts.
As one woman said, “What causes drift? When he doesn’t value what I do within my role. When he fails to see my daily efforts to love and care for the family and our home.”

It is as simple as saying, “Thank you for…”

When a husband thanks his wife for taking the kids to practice, making dinner, working full-time to support the family, he is communicating to her that he sees her, that he notices her effort.

3. He Fails to Respect Her
Many of the women we surveyed expressed that they feel like they are just another one of their husband’s projects.
They expressed that constant criticism or negative comments made them feel as though they were broken and needed to be fixed.

As one woman said, “Take my ideas and counsel seriously. Give it the thoughtful due that it deserves. Be empathetic and compassionate when I am struggling rather than telling me what to do, or how to solve the problem. Refrain from being critical, demeaning, and condescending. Treat me like a partner, not another one of the children.”

Women want their husbands to know that they are not projects to be completed but persons to be loved.

4. Lack of Spiritual Headship
This is a big factor in distance and drift.
Contrary to what the culture says, women want their husbands to lead their family spiritually.
One woman said, “If a husband is not leading his family spiritually his wife feels unsafe. It demonstrates that her husband may not be close to God. If he isn’t close to God, seeking God’s assistance and guidance in his life, then she feels like she and the kids are on their own.”

Another said, “Many children don’t take mom seriously. She’s the heart of the family, and consequently she can be a pushover. But when the father leads and disciplines properly, the children respond. But when he doesn’t have her back, when he doesn’t step into that role, she feels undefended and abandoned. As though he has left her to deal with the children’s problems.”

5. She Feels Overlooked

Often women lament that their husband’s primary mental focus and energy is spent on his work, endeavors that are outside the home, hobbies and projects.
Many, many women feel that their husband’s hobbies, job, phone, friends, and projects are more important than her.

As one woman put it, “She has to be number 1. What causes drift, being number 2.”

Listen to what this woman says, “I feel a drift when the pursuit gets diminished. Sometimes pursuit looks different (slow dancing in the kitchen, helping with housework, working hard to provide, engaging conversation, date nights…) but when he makes time to hang with friends, watching tv, and none of the pursuit things are happening… that’s when I feel alone.”

This is a great way of expressing a woman’s heart. She wants to be pursued.

6. He Doesn’t Listen

This was by far the biggest factor contributing to drift.
It was mentioned most often, and on many occasions a woman would mention it not only twice, but three or four times.

Listen to what one woman said… “Listening, really listening. Don’t just ask questions to ask questions. Listen to her answers, i.e. What did you do today? You answer him. Two hours later something comes up in the conversation that I had already mentioned, and he says, You never told me that. !?!?”

Communication Fosters Communion

So, what can a husband do to bridge the gap in his relationship with our wife? Be intentional about spending time with his wife, create that “space” for meaningful conversation, which demands that he become a husband who learns to listen for his wife’s heart.

Communication in marriage is the foundation of trust.

Check out the 5 A’s of Listening here.
This is a solid tool that can help us men become better, active listeners.

Every factor that causes drift can be solved by honest, fruitful, heartfelt, open conversation that presupposes that the husband learns to listen to her heart.
This is the foundational way for a husband to revers drift and distance and cultivate closeness with his wife.

To learn more about overcoming distance and drift in marriage check out this Catholic Gentleman episode: The No.1 Reason For Divorce.

The deeper theological meaning of marital union and self-offering in difficult marriages is explored in When She’s Not Giving What You Need.