Devin Schadt / July 7th, 2025

The Way of a Man Series | #79

1262 words / Read Time: 7.5 minutes

What Regretful Fathers Wish They Had Known About Marriage and Fatherhood

What This Page Is About

Preface: (To proceed to article, scroll down to “The Lament of a Regretful Father”)

This page speaks to a recurring lament voiced by men later in life: “I wish I had heard this twenty years ago.” It addresses the regret that arises when a man recognizes—often too late—that he misunderstood his vocation as a husband and father.

This reflection confronts the truth that marriage and fatherhood are not obstacles to holiness, but the primary path by which most men are called to sanctity. It calls men to recover the dignity, gravity, and glory of their vocation before regret has the final word.

Why This Matters

Regret in fatherhood is rarely about finances, achievements, or missed opportunities. It is almost always relational.

This matters because:

Many men do not realize the weight of their vocation until damage has already been done
The culture consistently devalues fatherhood while promising fulfillment elsewhere
A man’s misunderstanding of his role affects not only himself, but his wife, his children, and their capacity to trust God

This page exists so that fewer men will have to say, “I wish I had known.”

How This Page Fits the Fathers of St. Joseph Mission

Fathers of St. Joseph exists to restore a vision of sacrificial, purposeful, spiritually grounded fatherhood. This reflection articulates the theological and practical foundation of that vision: that a man’s primary calling is to become, for his family, a living image of God the Father.

What You Will Find Here

In this reflection, you will encounter:

A clear articulation of why marriage and fatherhood are a man’s primary vocation
Why neglecting this calling leads not to freedom, but to regret
The difference between the Old Adam and the New Adam—and why it matters for husbands
Why self-giving love, not dominance, draws a woman’s heart
The common male errors regarding intimacy and authority
How fathers can become living reflections of God the Father to their children

The Lament of a Regretful Father

Consistently, after delivering a conference talk, or our four-part men’s retreat, a man will take me aside and say with heartfelt anguish, “I wish I heard this twenty years ago.”

Share this message of hope with the younger men we know and love.

1. Your Vocation of Fatherhood and Being a Husband is Your Path to Glory

A vocation is a calling from God.
The Latin root word for vocation is “vox” which can be translated as meaning “voice.”

It is within our vocational calling that we receive counsels and directives from God.

When we chuck this noble role and responsibility, we also deny ourselves the precious gift of receiving God’s wisdom and direction for our lives.

Marriage is a Sacrament, a vow, a sacred oath that we swear upon with our lives.
Fatherhood is included in this vow: to receive children from God and raise them for God.
We confirm this vow when we have our children baptized.
We promise to God that we will raise our children in the Catholic faith.

Sadly, in our modern age, many a man either flees or neglects this great vocation altogether.
Yet, St. Paul admonishes us, “Let every man abide in the same calling (Latin, vocation) in which he was called.” (1 Cor 7:20)

Being a husband and father is your primary path to glory.
All other paths are secondary and subsequent to this heroic vocation.

Too often we seek out these secondary callings at the expense of the primary calling.
Yet, God is clear: we are to remain faithful to this noble calling—at all costs.
“For what God has brought together no man should put asunder.” (Mark 10:9)

And your occupation is at the service of your vocation…not vice versa.

2. Fatherhood is a certain path to sainthood

When we consider the lives of the saints, we envision missionaries, priests, cloistered nuns, bishops and popes.
Rarely do we consider the married man as a prime example of heroic sanctity.

Yet, from the beginning God created them male and female.
He created marriage prior to inventing the priesthood.

Marriage and fatherhood are His plan for salvation, redemption and sanctification.
Two of the most holy individuals who ever walked the face of this planet were husband and wife, father and mother, Joseph and Mary.

Our Lord has deemed fathers and mothers as the greatest in the Kingdom of God, “Whoever receives one such child in my name is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven.” (Mt 18:5)

To be a father is to be the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven.

3. A Woman longs for the love of the New Adam rather than the Old Adam

What is the difference between the first man and the Godman?
Adam, rather than confronting the beast who was tempting and intimidating his wife, silently abdicated his role.
He failed to sacrifice his life in defense of her soul, her salvation.

What did the New Adam, Jesus Christ, do that the original Adam did not?
Our Lord Jesus, also in a garden, defended his nascent Church, His Bride, demanding that the cohort led by Judas Iscariot set His disciples free and take Him instead.

Jesus set the pace of self-giving love, all the way to Calvary.
This self-sacrificial love was so effective that for the last two millennia the Bride, (the Church) has desired to follow that pace of self-giving.

Over the last two decades my wife and I have had countless conversations with women who nearly unanimously voice that they don’t want wealth, muscles, big houses, or better vacations.

Instead they desire a man who sets the pace of self-giving love by sacrificing his selfishness for the purpose of making her secure in love and giving her that relational closeness that she desires.

She longs for a man strong enough to fight against his own selfishness to defend her from the beast that rages—often inside of him.

4. Don’t whine about Sex

We men often make the mistake, especially when we are younger and newly married, of complaining to our wives that we don’t have enough sex.

We say things like, “I want it; “Why won’t you do it?” “You owe it to me.”
But when we say things like that, we demonstrate that we are using our wives as a means to get it.

As John Paul II said, “The human person is the type of person that does not admit to being used.”
In other words, human beings don’t like to be objectified—especially our wives.

Instead of saying, “I want it” we ought to be saying, “I want you.”

But you have to prove that you mean what you say and say what you mean.

Whining about not having enough sex will only betray your motivation.
Instead of increasing your sex-life this behavior will sabotage it.

Why?

Because your wife desires a man of strength, and complaining and whining about not having enough sex makes a man appear very weak and superficial.

The secret to having more frequent and intimate sexual intercourse is to understand that this intimacy begins outside of the bedroom.
It begins with a man who recognizes his wife’s needs, makes every attempt to address those needs, without expecting anything in return.
When a wife notices that her husband is sacrificing himself for her in this way she thinks, “He remembers me, he notices me, he loves me.”
Very often, fueled by his love for her, she in turn desires to reciprocate that love.

5. “Be the God you represent”

The human father’s mission is to reflect and reveal the fatherhood of God. (See Famiilaris Consortio, 25; John Paul II)
God’s mission is to “turn the hearts of fathers toward their children that the hearts of children turn towards their fathers.” (See Mal 4:6)
Because when they turn in trust toward their human father, they will most likely turn toward the One Father whom their father represents—God.

Every father is to be the face of God the Father that their child cannot see; the voice of God the Father that their child cannot hear; the touch of God the Father that their child cannot feel.

Fundamental to being a living reflection of God to our children is:

Choose your child rather than tolerate your child.
Operate and communicate at their level mentally, psychologically, physically, emotionally and spiritually for the purpose of elevating them up to God.
Discipline without love is abuse. Love without discipline is neglect.
One balances the other, and the two raise children to be saints.
Humilitas and Charitas win the day.
Hypocrisy kills your children’s ability to embrace God.
Be the father you desire God the Father to be.

6. Claim Your Blame

Be the first to ask for forgiveness, from your wife and your children.
Claim your percentage of guilt, without ever saying, “but you did this.”
If you are guilty for 10% of the situation, claim that 10% with 100% of your being.
Never ask for forgiveness in order to get the other to ask you for forgiveness.
Instead of saying, “I’m sorry,” ask, “Will you forgive me?”
Saying “I’m sorry” is simply stating how you feel while maintaining control of the situation. By asking, “Will you forgive me?” You are becoming most vulnerable, placing the power in the other’s hands.
You never look bigger than when you are humble enough to ask for forgiveness.

I hope to share more of these principles in posts to follow.
For a deeper explanation of masculine order and leadership, read The Well-Ordered Man.
Until then, know that I am praying for you and your vocation.
May God bless you and make you like St. Joseph, a father on earth like the Father in heaven.

To understand the deeper crisis of fatherhood and the model provided by St. Joseph, read St. Joseph’s Fatherhood.