How to Love Her: 3 Ways

Have you ever experienced your wife becoming resentful toward you, or perhaps resistant to you?
Resistant to your ideas, thoughts or proposals?

I know I have.

When this occurs, I am often bewildered as to why my wife is behaving this way toward me.
Though I want to blame it on things like her biological clock or her unhappiness with herself, if I am honest with myself, I know that quite often her reaction is a response to something I have done or haven’t done.

I would love to hear your opinion on this…
I think that a wife becomes resentful and resistant to her husband when a core need of hers is not being addressed.

Now notice that I did not say “When a core need is not fulfilled… or satisfied.”

A husband cannot fulfill or satisfy his wife.
Likewise, a wife cannot satisfy or fulfill her husband.
Only God can fulfill and satisfy the deepest longings of the human heart.

Yet, God designed marriage to be that context wherein needs are expressed and couples then have the opportunity to address those needs.

When a spouse addresses the other’s needs, this speaks volumes.
It communicates to the other, “I really do love you.”
And the other thinks, “Wow, he/she is really trying.”

This is not rocket science.
When a husband forgets, neglects or purposefully ignores his wife’s needs, and fails to address those needs, she eventually becomes resentful and resistant towards him.

At this point, in many marriages, this is when men (including myself—many times) make the tragic mistake of attempting to “take” or “get” from, convince his wife what she owes him.
Tactics such as manipulation, verbal bullying, whining, complaining are all types of this behavior.
When a husband behaves in this way toward his wife he can potentially undermine, and if done repeatedly, destroy the trust they have.

Trust is everything.
If she feels that you are trying to get from her, rather than giving to her, she intuits that you cannot be trusted.

Have you ever seen someone, perhaps a child, attempt to open a flower before it blooms?
When someone attempts to pull back the petals on a rose for the purpose of peering inside, they destroy the flower.
Flowers are analogous to women.
A flower’s petals open and spread when it receives the warmth of the gentle sunlight, without which it will never open.

So, it is with a woman.
When a man attempts to pull back woman’s “petals,” when he manipulates, coerces, intimidates, pressures, forces her to expose her beauty, he can crush her confidence, purity, dignity, and ability to trust enough to share her deepest self with another.
When this happens, a woman can become ashamed, overprotective, suspicious, and resentful.

However, when a man offers his bride the warmth of the Son-light, that is, the divine love planted within his heart, she becomes trusting, vulnerable, and more willing to unveil her exterior and interior beauty before him.

Why do so many women’s “flowers” remain shut tight?
Because they have yet to experience the tender, gentle, self-giving love of the Son of God through their husbands.

Because of this, the world never encounters the real gift of her person, her gift of womanhood and beauty, which remains locked up inside of her.

In a certain sense, the measure of a man is determined by how he lives in relationship to woman.

Does he force her to pull back the petals or does he love her in such a way that she becomes who God has called and destined her to be?
Does he protect her dignity, guarding her mystery, or does he reduce her to an object to be used to fulfill his disordered need for self-gratification?

A man’s essence—what constitutes the core of his being—is how and to what level he sets the pace of self-sacrificial love for his wife and children.

Side note: this is not an action that is once and done.
Many times, men will say, “I tried that…it didn’t work.”

How many times did you try that?
And maybe it didn’t work because he was trying to make it work for him and not her.

The only way that this “works” is if we are in it for the long haul, if we are dedicated to the project of building a better marriage by building a stronger foundation of trust.
She has to trust and believe that you have her best interests in mind.

To truly set this pace, a man is to embrace woman in three ways:

1. He is to embrace all women, their beauty, dignity, and person, by striving to defeat and overcome lust in the heart.

2. He is to embrace his wife by remaining yoked to her and bearing her burdens as his own.
He identifies her needs, her desires and determines ways to address those needs.
By doing so he builds trust.

3. He is to embrace the Woman, the Blessed Virgin Mary, by doing what St. Joseph did: entrusting his entire vocation as a father and husband to this great lady.
Mary is the perfect woman who understands women perfectly.
This Holy Virgin is known as the “Seat of Wisdom.”
If you and I want the wisdom to know how to love a woman we ought to turn to her, pray to her often, asking her to obtain for us this grace—and she will.
Remember, it was at a wedding that she approached her son to obtain a miracle for the newlyweds.
She does this for married couples who present their need to her.

Remember, the measure of a man is determined by how he embraces woman.
St. Joseph discovered himself, his mission, and his capacity for greatness by living in relationship to his wife, Mary.

So, it will be with you.
You will discover your true capacity for fatherly greatness only in light of being a heroic husband for your wife.