Devin Schadt / February 26th, 2025

Way of a Man Series | #45

2011 words / Read Time: 14 minutes

How to Discuss Sex With Her—7 Tips

Early in our marriage my wife’s and my sexual desire and libido aligned nicely.
But due to complications during the birth of our third child, my wife’s OB warned her that if she became pregnant, complications could ensue, she could possibly hemorrhage and perhaps die.

Almost immediately sexual intercourse ceased.

Kim perceived me as a weapon that could kill her, rather than a husband who could express love to her.
Full disclosure: I was young, full of testosterone and had not confronted the fact that I was lustful.
This further complicated the situation.

Kim and I would attempt to discuss her fears, my desires, and the tensions that persisted.
Often, in marriage, if one spouse desires sexual union and the other is resistant to sexual intercourse, inevitably tensions will mount, and passionate discussions (arguments) will occur.

This was our situation—
We could not come anywhere near the center.
Our marriage was collapsing and I became hopeless.

Our conversations would consist of me expressing my desire for Kim, my sense of being rejected by her, her assurance that she loved me and was attracted to me and eventually conclude with her expressing that she didn’t think having intercourse was a good idea.

Being immature, lustful, and lacking in self-restraint and self-giving, I would fall prey to venting my frustration—which only made matters worse, causing Kim to feel terribly guilty and unloved.

Over the years, Kim and I became better at sharing our needs, discussing sex, and eventually, the joy of sexual intimacy returned.

Marriage is not a means to sex, but rather, sexual intercourse is a means to a better marriage.

I got this wrong…and consequently, my marriage was falling apart.
If we do not get this right, our marriages will fail.

St. Pope John Paul II said that all of marriage—every aspect of it—constitutes the sacrament of marriage.

In other words, whether it is picking up the kids from school, having coffee with your spouse, going on a date night, praying together, suffering through financial hardship or a disobedient child—and yes, sexual intercourse—all constitute a “Sign” that God created to direct married couples to the mystical union of Christ the Bridegroom and His Church; to understand and embrace fidelity, sacrificial love, self-donation, and the completion of the other.

Sexual intercourse is created and designed by God as good, pleasurable, and unifying.
It is, by its very nature, good.

Scientists have demonstrated that during sexual intercourse the neurotransmitter dopamine (the feel-good, happy hormone), oxytocin (the “love drug” hormone that affords the feeling of closeness and intimacy), endorphins, testosterone (which both women and men need), serotonin (which counteracts stress) are released during sexual intercourse.

According to a CNN article, sexual intercourse boosts mood, releases stress, improves sleep, boosts immunity, decreases prostate cancer, improves heart health, enhances intimacy, boosts cognition, offsets pains and stress as a result of the release of endorphins.

Now, I don’t believe it just because CNN said it…
but digging a bit, the scientific research demonstrates that all of those benefits are very real.

That said, I would like to share with you seven tips that helped me discuss sex with my wife, improved our communication, also unite us in self-giving love.

Let me know if any of these tips help you and your marriage.

Seven Tips to Discuss Sex with Your Wife

1. Always Remember the Goal

The “goal” is not having sex.
The goal is developing a unified, thriving, intimate marriage that honors God.
Remember the goal. Always.

Otherwise, your wife will believe that you don’t want her but want something from her.

Do not make the mistake of referring to the act of sex as ‘It.’
For example, “We never have it,” “You never give it,” “Why can’t we have more of it,”
By referring to sexual union as ‘it’ you are stating that you want ‘it’ and not necessarily her.
She perceives this clearly.

If you think like this, it is imperative that you deal with that mistaken logic prior to discussing sex with your wife.
A true man communicates to his wife not “I want ‘it’, but rather, “I want you.”

2. Engage in Non-Accusational Conversations About Sex—Often

Relate in a tender, dignified, respectful way, how you feel about “sex.”
Refrain from telling your wife how you think she feels about sex.
This will kill the conversation.

Discuss your differences in sexual desire, libido and sexual attraction.
Remember, you are not the same.
Having differences in your level of sexual desire is good for your marriage.
Complementarity fosters communion.

By the two of you having different levels of sexual desire, you will learn to give, sacrifice, compromise and come to the center…
and this is not only one of the reasons why marriage exists, but it is also one of the reasons why marriage is so incredible: it is the context to learn how to become selfless and self-giving; to give love and receive love; to conquer selfishness and live in the freedom of self-giving love.

3. Express Sexual Needs – Be Merciful and Patient

If one spouse lacks sexual desire or has low libido, be merciful and patient rather than accusatory and blaming.
Often hormones imbalance, wounds from the past, sexual trauma, fears (especially of pregnancy), and/or health issues can affect a woman’s level of sexual desire.

Note: wounds run deep; much deeper than we can imagine.
Often, we hide these wounds because of shame and for self-protection.
It is very common that spouses are not aware of one another’s sexual past and sexual wounds.
If one of you is avoiding intimacy, this could be why.

The worst thing to do is to blame, make accusations, or assumptions.
This only exacerbates the wound.
A wounded person almost always believes erroneously that there is something wrong with them per se; that the abuse or trauma was their fault.

As a perpetual partner and spouse, your duty is to help your spouse heal so that they can rediscover the God-given goodness of sexual intimacy as God created and intended it to be.

As you discuss past wounds and trauma, strive to liberate your spouse from the shame and guilt that there is something is wrong with them.

But the main point of this point is to practice communicating your need for the other.
By discussing, candidly and reverently your personal desire for sexual union and the level of desire, you help your spouse understand you more and also understand how they can address your need.

4. Understand Sexual Desire as a God-Given Need and Gift

Sexual desire and attraction are good, holy, and are from God.
Conjugal union by divine design is at the heart of the great Mystery of Christ and His Church.
To reject sex; to see it as perverted, or simply a consequence of lust, or a way to relieve one from lust, is not God’s intention behind sexual union.
Both spouses must agree on this.

Often, sex can be associated falsely with perversion or being “dirty.”
Obviously, the world’s version of sex has these characteristics.
However, when sexual intimacy is an act of self-giving love that helps spouses to express their desire and love for one another, it is perhaps one of the most beautiful and intimate human actions.

Ultimately, it is important to understand that human beings have an innate, God-given need for union with another.
It is this need that is born into desire for the other.

The physical need of sexual union is deeply connected with the spiritual need for intimacy, closeness and unity.

5. Address Your Spouses Needs

Now that you know your spouse’s level of sexual need, creatively address that need with the motivation of making your spouse feel loved, desired, wanted—doing all for the purpose of honoring God.
As St. Paul says, “Love one another out of reverence for Christ.”
You may be doing it for your spouse, but ultimately you are doing it for God.

To love in this way demands disinterestedness.

Spouses address one another’s needs without coercion, blaming, whining, pouting, enforcing the marriage debt (notice that the Sacred Scripture never says that a man or woman command/demand their spouse to pay the marriage debt), and without manipulation.

When spouses address one another’s needs, they come to believe that their partner truly loves them.

For example, if your wife’s sexual desire is low, and yet she gives herself to you, addressing your need for physical intimacy, you cannot help but to think, “She really loves me. She is giving herself to me, especially when she has no selfish motivation.”

Also, if a spouse has a higher sexual desire, but he or she respects the other’s need for rest, or to refrain from the sexual act, the one receiving that sacrifice thinks, “My spouse is not whining or pouting about this.
He or she doesn’t only want something from me—my spouse wants me and protects me—even from him/herself.”

6. Address Lust

Often women do not understand the intensity and consistency of the male sex drive.
Many women are unaware of the intensity of a man’s personal battle with lust.
Some women also have an intense sex drive.
But often, because women are not men, nor think like men, they have no idea how deep lust and its effects can run in a man.

Couples need to help one another defend themselves from lust by being a gift to one another.

To be clear: I am not saying that by having sexual intercourse, lust magically disappears.
Nor am I saying that a man can use the excuse that his wife is not having intercourse with him to his satisfaction as a reason for him to lust, use pornography, or be unfaithful.

That is insane, sinful and deplorable.
It is his duty and responsibility before God to become a real man by defeating lust in his soul.

However, if a wife gives her husband nothing to look at, he will often look somewhere else.
This in no way justifies lust or infidelity.
I am simply saying that this is a common experience that can be avoided.

Marriage is not a release for lust but a remedy for it.

The remedy is not to use marriage as a context for unbridled lust, but rather marriage becomes the context to learn how to love disinterestedly.

7, Don’t Give Up

Continue the conversation…
if you don’t talk about it, resentment and resistance will build and the two of you will drift apart.
If you don’t talk about it now; you’ll be talking about it in divorce court.
Communication, if done well, will lead to deeper communion.

How to Begin the Conversation:

Perhaps the most challenging aspect to discussing sex with your wife is how to “break the ice.”
Below are three steps to begin the discussion:

1. Communicate your purpose and desire: You want an awesome life with her.

I love our marriage and want it to be even better.
I love you and want us to love each other even more when we are in our 60’s.
Our marriage, besides God, is number one to me.

2. Communicate the importance of sexual union.

There are so many aspects to a great marriage and sexual union is a very important one.
God created it to be good and unifying.
I really want this unity and intimacy for us.

3. Ask her permission to talk about it (this will give her time to prepare for it and not be caught off-guard and feel like you are attacking her).

I realize that this may sound awkward…but I love you and want this aspect (sexual intimacy) of our marriage to be unifying—the best it can be.
Could we spend a weekend together—away from the kid— or could I take you out on a date and we discuss our sexual intimacy?

These are only suggestions.
Think and pray about it.
Then act…
but do so not with the motivation and intent to get sex from her.
Rather, do so for the purpose of giving yourself to her, as Christ delivered Himself to the Church.