Communication in Marriage: How Husbands and Wives Build Trust and Intimacy

What this article is about:

This article explains how communication in marriage, especially through attentive listening, builds trust, deepens intimacy, and fosters lasting unity between husband and wife.

What You Will Find in This Article

• The connection between communication, trust, and intimacy in marriage
• Why men and women often communicate differently
• The true secret of communication: listening rather than speaking
• A practical, step-by-step framework (The Five A’s) for improving communication

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Communication in Marriage: How Husbands and Wives Build Trust and Intimacy

Why Communication in Marriage Matters

No one (I hope) gets married with the goal to separate, divorce, or have spousal enmity.
Yet, nearly 50% of the time, this is the tragic outcome for marriages.

What is the common cause of divorce and separation?

A cursory online search indicates that the leading cause of divorce and spousal separation is poor communication in marriage.
The lawyers are all over this.

According to the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, the top reason for divorce is failure to communicate.
The AAML says that communication in marriage, or lack thereof, constitutes 67.5% of divorces.

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Misunderstanding Your Spouse

We’ve all experienced this at some level.

For instance, a husband might say to his wife, “You look great today.”

He is confident that these words of affirmation will fill his wife’s love tank and re-open new vistas of marital intimacy.
However, his encouraging words have the opposite effect.

Why?

She only hears the word today.

Thus, without hesitation, she thinks, “How bad did I look yesterday?”

Years ago, I went clothing shopping with my wife.

She would try on a pair of jeans, come out of the dressing room, do her 360-degree turn, and then look at me—without saying a word—awaiting my response.

Men, you know where this is going…
Deep south.

This is the moment.
I must get this right.

What comes out of my mouth next could determine whether we sleep in the same bed this evening.
The stakes are high.

From my mouth cometh forth utter poetry: “I like those.”

Admittedly, not the best response—but ambiguous enough not to say anything that could get me cornered.

Soon after, she comes out of the dressing room with the second pair of jeans on.

She does her 360 dance, stops, and silently looks at me.
The expression on her face is, “You better get this right.”

Accordingly, I respond, “I like these better than the other ones.”

Good answer—right?

Wrong.

Suddenly, her eyes burn hot with indignation.
She glares with malicious intent, burning her fierce malediction through my eyeballs and the back of my skull…

“Oh… So, you think I looked fat in the other jeans.”

You can’t win.

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Male Sensitivity: A Cause for Miscommunication

On the other hand—and to be fair—I can be just as sensitive.

For instance, I had set myself to the task of cleaning my special needs daughter’s blasted fish tank.
I hate that job.

After I had finished scrubbing off the algae and vacuuming out the fish feces, I plugged the filtration system into the outlet.
Of course, it didn’t work.

Thus, I became frustrated.

“How could I have broken this filter!?”
“Am I that stupid?”

Like a dormant volcano beginning to surge, my insecurities bubble to the surface.

Consequently, I vent.

Thereupon, my wife—intent on consoling her insecure husband—responds, “You don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of it like last time.”

Ooooh… “Like last time…”

What a dig.

Those words sting.
Like a sword, they cut deep into the male psyche.

My interpretation: “You can’t do it. Get out of the way and let me handle it.”

Obviously, that is not the meaning nor the intent behind her words.

Just as it was not my intent to tell her that she looked like a heifer in those jeans.

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How Miscommunication Fuels Distrust

Let’s examine the dynamic at hand.

First, a spouse makes an innocent, benign comment.

Second, the spouse’s non-threatening, non-accusational comment triggers a negative response in the other spouse.
The spouse’s negative response is typically the consequence of a deep-seated psychological wound that dwells in the soul’s darkest depths.

Third, the spouse that has been triggered fails to examine themselves and their sensitivity caused by past wounds.

Rather than asking the question, “Why am I so darn sensitive?”, the spouse accuses the other spouse of guilting, blaming, accusing, or being demeaning.

Consequently, the “wounded” spouse responds with retaliation, anger, spitefulness, resentment, or stonewalling.

Wounded spouses wound spouses.

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Building Trust in Marriage

Every great marriage is built on one thing: trust in marriage.

If my wife trusts me, she will be more tolerant of my not-so-well-thought-out comments.
She knows with certainty that my motive is not to demean her.

Consequently, she concludes, “I know he loves me. He just says stupid things.”

Conversely, if I trust my wife, I believe that she is not out to get me.
Although her words may trigger me, I have faith that her intentions are pure.

I could write for days on the many ways that couples foster distrust and how they could develop trust absent communication.
However, the purpose of this post is to discuss how to communicate for the purpose of building trust in marriage.

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Communication Fosters Communion

If you want to have a great marriage, it is imperative that you learn how to communicate with your spouse.

Communication leads to communion.

Proper communication forges trust, releases oxytocin (the love hormone), thus drawing the couple closer emotionally.

Accordingly, spouses become more attractive to one another, which leads to consistent and meaningful intimacy in marriage.

Why Men Struggle With Communication

However, we men often are at a disadvantage when it comes to being skilled communicators, particularly with our wives.

Specifically, men are often doers—workers, goal-oriented, solution-based.

We are made for work, created to create.

Communicating With Men Versus Women

Considering this, I would like to offer us men, who may not be most skilled at relationships and communication, a framework that will aid us in communicating in marriage.

Communicating is apparently natural.
Consequently, we often neglect applying ourselves to learning the art of communication.
As a result, we subconsciously intuit that communication is something that comes naturally and easily.

Perhaps that is true when men communicate with men.
Typically, we discuss endeavors, work, hobbies, sports and jab one another with sarcastic comments.

Conversely, women don’t respond very well to jabs, our hyper-focus on work and sarcastic comments.

Ironically, we men fail to understand why the manner in which we communicate with another man is not the way to communicate with a wife.
Indeed, we address our wives with a sarcastic, teasing comment that is motivated by having fun, but are dumbfounded as to why she has given us the silent treatment for the last week.

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The Secret to Communication in Marriage

Consequently, we think about what we will say beforehand.
We rehearse in our minds the words that we will say.
Nonetheless, we open our mouths and something comes out that didn’t land right.

We get tripped up over our words—and over her reaction.
Subsequently, we retreat and move into protection mode.
Henceforth, we become more selective about our responses.

Indeed, we try to keep our responses to one word.
Perhaps, if absolutely necessary, two words.
Furthermore, if you are skilled at operating in “protection mode,” you may not even use words at all, but rather grunts, sighs, nods, and shoulder shrugs.

Indeed, this give a wife as little ammunition to work with as possible.
We liken our relationship to her as being in a courtroom…or being apprehended by the police…
“What you say can and will be held against you.”

However, the secret to communication in marriage in not about what you say as much as about you listening and responding to what she says.
Hence, you don’t have to do much of the talking.

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The Five As of Listening

Listening to your spouse is the secret to great communication in marriage and, therefore, one of the secrets to a great marriage.

Below is a sequential, chronological framework which, if practiced, will help you master communication in your marriage.

By following this step-by-step guide, you will begin to foster closeness with your wife, assure her of your love for her, consequently increase physical intimacy with her, and ultimately win her respect.

1. Attention

When your wife is talking, stop, look, and listen to her.
Stop whatever action you are doing.
Look at her intently.
Give her 100% of your focus by making eye contact.
Then set yourself to the task of listening to the words she says.
Don’t just hear her.
We hear background noise.
Usually, we don’t listen to it.
Your wife is not background noise.
She wants to be listened to more than being heard.
Specifically, stop looking at the phone and look her in the eye.
Social scientists say that by looking intently into your wife’s left eye you assure her that you are interested.

Why?

Often, we become uncomfortable looking at another person—even our wives.
Consequently, our eyes bounce back and forth from her left eye, to her right eye, to her nose, to her hair, to her body.
Subsequently, she becomes insecure and can forget her train of thought.

However, staring is not caring.
If you stare, she will glare.
Simply make strong, consistent eye contact by looking intently (while blinking) at her left eye.
This assures her that she has your attention.
Remember, the key is undivided focus.

2. Acknowledge

After you have listened, acknowledge what she has said.
Specifically, repeat to her what she has said to you.
Don’t be a parrot.
Meaning, don’t repeat it back to her verbatim.
Try not to sound like a therapist: “What I hear you saying is…”
Simply interpret her words and say them back to her in the way that you understand them.
When you do this, you offer her the opportunity to clarify what she has said.
Additionally, you demonstrate that you really are listening.
Consequently, her brain releases the neurotransmitter, hormone oxytocin, which affords her the feeling of being loved.

3. Association

Meanwhile, make every attempt to relate to what your wife is saying.
This can be accomplished by saying things like, “I feel that way too.”
“I’ve noticed that myself.”
Another way to associate with what your wife is by relating what she is saying to a personal past experience.

For example, your wife is expressing her joy that the police officer, after pulling her over, did not give her a ticket.
Afterwards, you could associate with that experience by saying, “That never happens to me. The last time he gave me twice the fine.”
Or, “That happened to me also. I wonder if it was the same cop?”

However, a word of warning: do not over-associate.
Over-association is telling a story that “one-ups” her experience or is sharing an account that turns the focus of the conversation toward you.
The art of association is to verbally relate to what she is saying with brevity.

4. Affirmation

This is an important aspect of the 5 A’s framework.
At some point, it is almost unavoidable that she will say something that you don’t agree with.
Do your best to avoid opposing your wife’s view.
Listen carefully to discern the good aspects of what your spouse is saying.

For example, “I like what you said about ‘x’… I totally agree with that.”
Or, “That is a great point. I never thought about it like that.”

If you wholeheartedly disagree, you can affirm her by asking, “Tell me more about why you feel that way.”
“Help me understand your point of view.”

By doing this, you are communicating to her that you really care for her and deem her thoughts and feelings as important to you.

There is a vast difference between subjective feelings and objective truth.
Try your best to discern whether she is speaking subjectively or objectively.
Although you may not agree with the objective consequence of what she is saying, you can empathize with her subjective perspective.
This goes a long way.

Affirming your wife and her thoughts is vitally important.
She wants to be valued as your counterpart.
It is important to her that you express that what she says is highly prized and valued by you.

5. Affection

Next, complete the conversation with an act of affection.
For example, you could give your wife a hug, a kiss, or a compliment.
An act of affection could be as simple as you saying, “Thank you,” or “I love our conversations.”

Pope John Paul II is known for saying that the body reveals the human person.
When we refrain or resist offering an act of affection, our body is communicating that we are distant; we disagree; we don’t desire union with our spouse.

Conversely, when we hug, kiss, or touch the hand of our wife, we span the gap, we close the distance, and prove that we truly love her and care for her.

To summarize, communication in marriage is not as much about what you say as it is about how you listen.
Listen to and for your spouse’s heart, and your spouse will eventually give her heart to you.