The Lie Men Believe About Lust—and the Cost It Has on Their Family

Men’s group study guide available here.

An Unexpected Encounter

After delivering a second talk at a men’s conference, I returned to a pew to give thanks to God. With my eyes closed, I could hear the trailing off of men’s muffled voices as they shuffled off to lunch.

As the pressure of speaking lifted, I breathed in the silence, relishing the peace of simply being with God.

Then an eerie sensation came upon me—as though I were being watched. Looking up, I noticed a young man, perhaps in his mid-thirties, who had been sitting at the other end of the pew, now moving toward me.

I had noticed him earlier during the Mass that opened the conference. His piety and devotion had struck me then, and now he was approaching with a quiet urgency.

He sat beside me, briefly checked his surroundings to ensure no one else was within earshot, and then drew closer. Bending his head toward mine, he said quietly,
“When you said that the devil uses Eve to take men out—that is the truth.”

A Confession of Hidden Destruction

Without looking me directly in the eyes—save for the occasional glance to see if I was listening—he began to recount his addiction to pornography.

At first, it began in his youth. Over time, however, it became what he called a “horrifying addiction.” What started with pornography escalated into hookups and eventually into hiring prostitutes—even after he was married.

“I didn’t tell my wife that I had this addiction,” he said. “I didn’t think it was out of my control. I brought all of this into her world—crushing her and destroying her. It is awful. It is horrifying.”

The Urgent Warning to Other Men

At some point, trust took hold. He turned fully toward me and locked his eyes onto mine. The pain and sincerity were unmistakable.

“You have to tell them,” he said. “You have to tell the men—especially the younger ones—that they need to get off Instagram, video gaming, TikTok, and the hookup apps. You have to tell them that it will destroy them: their marriage, their kids, their future, their lives.”

Indeed, his story aligns with what research increasingly confirms: pornography use is strongly associated with marital dissatisfaction, infidelity, emotional withdrawal, and increased divorce risk (see Covenant Eyes research summaries: https://www.covenanteyes.com/research/).

The Long Road of Repentance and Healing

To his credit, he had done his due diligence.

He deleted the apps.
He installed filtering and accountability software.
He attended therapy weekly.
He went to confession regularly.
He met with an accountability partner twice a week.

It had been over a year since his last fall into the oppressive grip of lust. And yet, despite this progress, the pain remained present and acute.

When I asked whether he had regained his wife’s trust, he paused.

“I’m trying,” he said quietly. “But I destroyed her. It is awful. You must tell them the truth. We think it doesn’t hurt anyone—but it kills everyone.”

Studies support his experience. According to Barna Group and other social research organizations, habitual pornography use significantly diminishes relational trust and emotional intimacy, even long after behavioral change has begun (https://www.barna.com).

Beneath the Addiction: A Deeper Wound

As we continued speaking, it became clear that beneath the compulsive return to lust, pornography, and prostitution lay a deeper wound: a false belief that God is not his Father—that God has not chosen him, does not desire him, and does not have a plan for his life.

When I asked him whether he believed that God is his Father and that God has chosen him as His son, he paused and said, “I wish I could believe that.”

The Devil’s Most Dangerous Deception

Here lies the heart of the matter.

At the bottom of every fear, every doubt, and every evil act is the devil’s most tenacious deception: that God the Father cannot be trusted—that He is distant, indifferent, or even opposed to us.

To the degree that we refuse to believe the truth that God is a good Father—and that we are His beloved sons in the Son—we will inevitably seek identity, value, and belonging elsewhere: in the world, the flesh, and the devil.

And the result will be, as this man described so simply and so accurately, “horrifying.”

This is precisely why pornography is so destructive: it offers counterfeit intimacy and false affirmation while severing men from their identity as sons (see Fight the New Drug’s neuroscience and relational research: https://fightthenewdrug.org).

The One Question That Determines Everything

Ultimately, the trajectory of your life hinges on a single question:

Do you trust God the Father?

Do you believe that you are His?
That He has chosen you?
That He desires you?

The more deeply and sincerely you answer yes to these questions, the more resilient you become to demonic temptation—and the more freedom, as a son of God, becomes your lived reality.

Faith, Trust, and Divine Sonship

“Without faith it is impossible to please God” (Hebrews 11:6). Notice that Scripture does not say improbable or unlikely, but impossible.

The practical expression of faith in God the Father is trust—the same trust perfectly modeled by Jesus, His only-begotten Son.

In other words, the essence of divine sonship is trust in God the Father.

Holding Fast When Everything Falls Apart

Therefore, when all hell is breaking loose in your life, your mission is this: remain steadfast in the belief that God is good; that He can only will the good; and that what you perceive as evil, God permits only to bring about a greater good—for you and for others.

Do you trust this truth?

To the extent that you do, the delight of God the Father rests upon you.

Freedom Comes From the Father

“For freedom Christ has set us free” (Galatians 5:1).

True freedom comes from the Father—from knowing, believing, and living as His chosen son.

And this is the truth that must be told.

Supporting Resources & Outbound Links

Integrity Restored—Combat the Scourge of Pornography
https://integrityrestored.com/
Covenant Eyes – Pornography Research & Recovery Tools
https://www.covenanteyes.com/research/
Fight the New Drug – Neuroscience & Social Impact of Pornography
https://fightthenewdrug.org
Barna Group – Faith, Digital Habits & Relationships
https://www.barna.com
USCCB – Human Dignity, Chastity, and Christian Identity
https://www.usccb.org/issues-and-action/human-life-and-dignity