When She’s Not Giving What You Need

Men’s group study guide available here.

The Liturgy of the One-flesh Union

The trailhead of the family is marriage, and the most evident act of God’s glory, life-giving power, and self-giving love in marriage is the one-flesh union. The grace, the life in the form of babies, and the blessing of becoming a family has tremendous potential to heal not only marriages, but entire families.

The sacred liturgy of the Eucharist transmits grace from Christ to His body—all believers; and in a similar way the “liturgical” act of the one-flesh union transmits grace from the couple to the entire body of the family. It is for this reason that St. Pope John Paul II says, “The language of the body reread in the subjective [and] ‘objective’ dimension… becomes the language of the liturgy.”[1] And again, “In this way conjugal life becomes in a certain sense liturgical.”[2]

In other words, we can compare marital sexual intercourse and the dynamics that arise from it to the Sacred Liturgy and derive practical insights into having a marriage that reflects Christ’s marriage with His Church.

Avoiding Self-Offering; Avoiding Mature Manhood in Christ

Which raises another question: how is grace transmitted when a couple does not consummate their marriage by engaging in sexual intercourse?

There is a ‘movement’ among married men to dismiss their wives’ legitimate and prudential reasons for refraining from having sexual intercourse. Rather than entering the arena of self-sacrifice, which begins with the virtue of temperance, and demands much self-mastery, such a man invokes “the marriage debt”—or his faulty interpretation of it—to coerce and guilt his wife into submitting to his sexual urges.

For those men who desire to be chaste, pure, temperate and defeat lust in the heart, while following Christ’s example of laying down’s one’s life for the sake of the other, below is a path to achieving mature manhood in Christ, while also opening your marriage to God’s grace and healing.

When She Doesn’t Want to Consummate

When you initiate or desire to have sexual intercourse with your wife and she doesn’t reciprocate that desire, it is important to reflect upon the spiritual significance of your abstinence.

If the marital act is a symbol of the Mass—particularly the Eucharist— consequently the bed becomes a symbol of the altar. Upon the altar Christ lays down His Body and expresses this sacrificial offering with the words, “This is my body given for you.” [3] In a similar way, when your wife declines your initiation to intimacy, you are to lay yourself on the altar of your bed, praying from the heart, “This is my body given for you.”[4] This prayer is a way to express your offering of self on behalf of your wife to God. In this way you offer your desires to God for your wife by “Offering your body to God as a holy and living sacrifice. This is your spiritual worship.”[5]

St. Joseph offered his body as a holy and living sacrifice to God on behalf of Mary. By continually striving to overcome any temptation to resent her for his celibate state of life, he became the “most chaste spouse,” a real man, the pure and noble husband who experienced the first fruits of Christ’s redemption.

Beginning the Cycle of Healing and Restoration

The effects of offering yourself on the altar of your bed during times of abstinence on behalf of your wife are significant and worth your sacrifice.

First, God knows and sees the sincerity of your efforts to love your wife as a person and not as an object, and because of your faithfulness He will grant you the gift of purity—the ability to heroically overcome lustful desires.

Second, eventually your wife will realize that your love for her is authentic and sincere.

Third, you will begin to experience the effects of Christ’s redemptive grace—even and especially in your body—which will enable you to be a shining example of a man who sets the pace of self-giving love.

Fourth, grace will be transmitted to your entire family, which gradually lifts them from the gravity of selfishness to the heights of self-giving love.

Much healing and restoration within marriages can be derived from a husband’s offering himself in this manner; but this healing is dependent on him setting the pace of self-giving love. If he chooses not to set the pace, this healing and restoration will not occur.

Blaming versus Assuming Responsibility for One’s Chastity

As Pope St. John Paul II says: “From the beginning man was to have been the guardian of reciprocity of donation [self-offering] and its true balance. Although maintenance of the balance of the gift seems to be entrusted to both, a special responsibility rests with the man above all, as if it depended more on him whether this balance was maintained or broken, or even if already broken reestablished.”[6]

The real man of God, rather than having contempt for or blaming his wife for his lustful disposition not being adequately addressed, assumes responsibility for his own chastity, purity, and temperance.

True love is willing the good of another—particularly your wife. The ultimate defining factor of such love is to will your wife’s good, even at your own expense. Your wife longs to be important, valued, cherished, and pursued—for her own sake. Experience demonstrates that when a husband intentionally addresses his wife’s need for security and closeness by being a man of strength who overcomes his temptation to objectify her, she reciprocates by offering the gift of herself to him.

[1] The Language of the Body: Actions and Duties Forming the Spirituality of Marriage; Pope John Paul II; GENERAL AUDIENCE OF 4 JULY [1984]

[2] ibid

[3] Luke 22:19

[4] ibid

[5] See Romans 12:1

[6] Opposition in the Human Heart between the Spirit and the Body; Pope John Paul II; GENERAL AUDIENCE OF WEDNESDAY, 30 JULY

Men’s group study guide available here.

Devin Schadt

Executive Director | The Fathers of St. Joseph