Vali-Dating Your Wife: How to Date Her

I had just turned thirty.
Jim, the husband of a female friend of mine, Mickey, had just died.
His death was one year prior to their 50^th wedding anniversary.
I stopped by Mickey’s to check in on her.

During our conversation I asked her what the secret to their marriage was.
Mickey mentioned several factors.
But when she talked about “weekly date-night” she lit up.
She recounted being so excited and looking forward to that moment when Jim would come home from work and say, “Babe, let’s go.”
She would whip off the apron, primp her hair quickly, forget to kiss her nine young children, and shoot out the front-door like a rocket.
She loved her weekly dates with Jim.

She recounted that on one occasion she was so excited for date night, that when she and Jim arrived at the restaurant, and the hostess took Mickey’s coat from her, Jim—without looking at her—said under his breath, “Mick, the apron…lose the apron.”

In her excitement to be with her hubby, she threw on her coat while forgetting to remove her apron.

Come hell or high water, nothing could stop Mickey from having Jim to herself for a couple of hours each week.

My wife and I followed Mickey and Jim’s example, and for nearly 25 years have had a weekly date night— rarely ever missing.
Here is what I learned—

Why Dating Your Wife is Incredibly Beneficial for Your Marriage

1—You Sacrifice for What You Love

If you love your wife, you will sacrifice for her.

Two things that men find most difficult to sacrifice are time and money.
When you take your wife on a weekly date you are spending both your time and money on her.
She cannot help but to think: “He thinks I am worth it. He thinks I am more important than his money and his time.”
I say often, “Date nights are the best money I have ever spent.”

2—Communication Fosters Communion

One of the largest contributive factors to unhappiness in marriage and eventual divorce is a lack of communication or an inability to communicate healthily.

Date night becomes a re-occurring, repeated context in which you can hone your communication skills.
You can learn to have meaningful conversations with your wife.
When a husband listens his wife and comments positively and thoughtfully to what she is saying he makes her feel important and validated.

3—She Believes that She is the Most Important Person in Your World

Often, a wife becomes jaded because she no longer feels important.
His work, friends, hobbies have slowly eclipsed her.
Women often think that their husband believes himself to be the most important person in his own world.

Weekly date-night signals to her that she is more important than your deadlines, your work, the home projects, the kids, game-night with the guys—and yourself.

How to Vali-Date Your Wife

1—Agree on a Consistent Day and Time

Choose the day, the time and block it out on the calendar.
Let everyone in the world know that this is your marriage’s time.
No negotiating.
This gives both of you something to look forward to.
As the date-night approaches so does the excitement and the anticipation.
Again, don’t move the day and time around.
Be consistent.
This consistent habit will form your marriage into an incredible marriage.
When you shift the day and time, you are communicating that your marriage is less important than whatever the cause of the shift is.

2—Never Miss

Nothing, barring an emergency, should come in the way of weekly date-night.
When you protect your date-night you signal to her that nothing is more important to you.
Don’t be surprised if she tests you on this by bringing up potential scheduling conflicts.
Be firm.
Don’t budge.
This sends the message, “I will fight for our marriage.”

3—Dress Well

Don’t just wear what you wear to work out, or when you hang with your bros.
Put forth some effort.
Look good for her.
When you dress up for her, she feels respected.
She thinks, “He stills wants to impress me. He must think I am worthy of being impressed.”

4—Leave the Phone in the Car

Studies show that when we put the phone on the table during dinner it sends the message that something could be more important than the person you are dining with.
Looking at your phone, reading texts, etc. crushes intimacy.

5—Affirm Her (Notice Her)

Make certain to notice her effort.
Compliment her.
Tell her she is beautiful…but be specific also.
Tell her that you like her earrings, or that her hair looks great, or that you love the way her dress, pants, shirt look on her.
And make sure you say it while looking into her eyes—specifically her left eye.
Studies have found that when you look into another person’s left eye, while talking to them, they feel as though you are speaking meaningfully and with great attention.

Often people will want to live up to your high estimation of them.
If you tell your wife that she is beautiful, most likely she will want to be beautiful for you.

6—Fake it until you make it

This advice doesn’t come from me.
A female friend of mine, who counsels men, advises that a husband affirms his wife, even and especially when he doesn’t feel like it.
She says that eventually, a man will come around to believing what he is saying.
He is affirmed when she is affirmed by his affirmations.
Eventually, she affirms him, and he begins to like that dynamic.
All of this helps him to find her more attractive.

7—Date Night is Safe Zone

For two hours, spare all forms of critique, criticism, negative comments, judging, or demeaning your wife.
Date night is her safe zone.
By treating her with respect and upholding her dignity, you will encourage her to feel safe with you, and feeling safe, she will open up and trust you more.

8—Make It Last

Don’t rush the evening.
Take your time.
Try to stay out for a couple of hours.
You paid for the meal which means that you paid to “rent” space in the restaurant.
Milk it for every penny’s worth.
This communicates to her, “He wants to linger.
He must enjoy spending time with me.”
Women love this.

9—Make It Easy

Don’t complicate it.
If you and your wife like to eat at the same restaurant, then eat at the same restaurant.
Keep it simple.
Same time, same day, same place etc.
If the two of you like to try new places and different cuisine, plan ahead.
Don’t wait until the two of you are in the car and say to her, “So where do you want to go?”
This says to her, “He hasn’t thought about me prior to this moment.”

Maybe text her a day or two prior to your date, “I’ve been thinking about you.
I’m really looking forward to our date.
What do you think about going to (name a place)?”
This communicates to her, “He’s looking forward to being with me.”

10—No Expectations

Do all of this without quid pro quo.
Don’t look at date-night as, “I scratched her back, now she can scratch mine”
(Men, I think you understand what I am saying).
Be a sincere gift.
If you consistently are dating her, vali-dating her, without trying to “get something” from her, she eventually will desire to be a gift to you.
Love begets love.
“Where there is no love, put love, and there will be love” (St. John of the Cross).

Objections

Now you might be thinking, “I don’t have a lot of money.”
Okay.
But don’t allow that to be an excuse that precludes you from dating your wife.
Be creative.

If needed, carve out space in your house.
Away from the children.
Behind locked doors.
Cook dinner for her.
Put a nice tablecloth on the table.
Light some candles.
Put on some music that the two of you like.

When you put this kind of effort into date night she cannot help to think, “He really loves me.”

I have also heard guys lament that they have a ton of young children, and their life is chaos.
Even more reason to date your wife religiously.
She needs a break.

Find someone you trust and put them on a baby-sitting retainer.
Eventually, your children will become mature enough to babysit the younger kids.

Date night is the best money and time I have ever spent.

Like, Mickey, besides the grace of God, I give date-night credit for keeping my marriage dynamic, fun and intimate.

Let me know how it works for you.

Devin Schadt | Executive Director of the Fathers of St. Joseph

Ite ad Joseph