Self-Made or Spirit-Led: The Journey From Self-Reliance to Sonship

The Weight of Being Dependable

Do you feel like everything depends on you?
This feeling shows up in phrases like “If I don’t do it, no one will.”
“What if I let everyone (or anyone) down?”

To paraphrase St. Ignatius of Loyola, “Work as if everything depends on you, and pray as if everything depends on God.”
Often, I make the mistake of working as if I am God.

Self-reliance Leads to Self-Hatred

Your day begins with responsibilities waiting.
Bills to pay, decisions to make, people to provide for, and problems you cannot postpone. Before your feet reach the floor, your mind is already racing with your “to-do” list.
Another day begins with the familiar self-imposed demand: Be strong enough. Do enough. Hold everything (including yourself) together.

The demands are real, and at times they become really demanding.
Beneath the feeling that things will fall apart if “I do not come through” is the fear of failure.
As an exorcist, Msgr. John Esseff said to me, “Self-reliance leads to self-hatred.”

Msgr. John Esseff — “Self-reliance leads to self-hatred.”

When we succeed, we give God the credit.
When we fail, we blame, shame, and condemn ourselves.
We are spiritually schizophrenic.

At the crux of pulling through is the question: From whom will I receive the strength and ability to hold everything together?

Often the answer is “me.”

Freedom from Performance Burden

St. Paul tells us that “For whosoever are led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons of God.”
Who is a son of God?
One who trusts that His Father will aid him, guide him, and lead him from failure to success.
St. Paul connects sonship with being led by God’s Spirit.

Often we lead and ask God to follow, rather than following God’s lead.

To lead others presupposes that you are led by the Other.
Through baptism, you have received the Spirit of Jesus’ sonship.
This is a real, divine power within you.

My son-in-law told me another contract worker was using his pressure washer to wash off some decking boards.
He complained to my son-in-law that the pressure washer never had much more pressure than a regular garden hose.
My son-in-law examined the pressure washer, flipped the pressure switch to on, and the pressure washer nearly flew out of the contractor’s hands.

Like the contractor, we often fail to tap into the power of the Son living in us.
To be a son of God is to invite God into your responsibilities rather than doing the work on your own.

Receiving Prior to Responding

Sonship is characterized by first receiving and then responding.
As St. Augustine says, “You cannot give what you do not possess.”

Before you can reflect the Father’s love to your wife and children, you must learn to receive His love yourself.
A father who forgets his sonship will subconsciously believe every difficulty is a test that determines his self-worth.

When a test exceeds his strength, he becomes impatient, withdrawn, afraid, or sedated by sensuality. He lets failure define him.
Personally, this is perhaps my biggest battle: not to be defined by what I do—success or failure—but by my relationship with God.

“You cannot give what you do not possess.”

You Don’t—Can’t—Do It Yourself

God is not a welfare-providing sugar daddy.
God is a Father who wants his sons to become real men.
Receiving God’s love does not excuse you from your duties.
It changes the way you approach them.
You no longer try to do “it” by yourself.
You invite God into your work.
You can admit to Him that you do not know the way.
You ask Him for His guidance.
You ask God for help.

The Secret Power of Attentive Dependence

St. Joseph was attentively dependent upon God.
He sought God’s counsel, allowing God to lead him.
Led by the Father, he became capable of leading as a father.

Attentive dependence is the specific nuance we are to focus on.
This means we intentionally and deliberately invite God into all our work, relationships, and life.

It is as simple as “Father, direct me, come, Holy Spirit.”
Remember, a true son is led by the Spirit.
When we call on God’s Spirit to lead us, we learn to trust—and God rewards that trust.

Today, before asking how you will become a better father, ask whether you will allow God to father you. Bring Him the responsibility that feels heaviest.

Sit with Him in the silence, attentively dependent, patiently waiting for His presence to fill you.
The One who calls you to be dependable also invites you to depend upon Him.

Let Him lead you, that you may be given the grace to lead.

To be a son is to let God the Father lead you.
The fear of not being enough is conquered by believing that your Father in Heaven is enough.