She’s Checked Out Emotionally: Advice From Three Men

The most common questions that married men ask are:

“What do I do when my wife is not responding to my efforts?”
“I’ve tried everything. It is not working. What do I do?”

Before proceeding it is imperative that you know and believe that this deprivation is not unique to you.
If you have or are experiencing your wife’s lack of response to your affection, attention and affirmation, you are not alone.
Often, a husband whose wife is unresponsive to him becomes ashamed and believes that he is a failure and is unable to measure up to the men who have “good” marriages.

That is a deception from hell that is lodged against you for the purpose of deterring you from becoming the son of God, virtuous man, faithful husband and father that God has called and destined you to be.

This post will share wisdom gleaned from three men who each have been married for over 25 years, and who endured acutely painful periods, often many years, during their marriage, in which their wives did not respond to any of their efforts to enhance their marriages…and initially their relationships with their wives only worsened.
But over the long haul they are winning their wives over.

I admire each of these men.
They live lives of heroic virtue.
They are not perfect, but they are valiant.
These are the men who demonstrate that when it appears there is no way to remain faithful to your vows and God that God will pave a way.

I will refer to each man as Husband 1, Husband 2, Husband 3 to maintain their anonymity.

I have segmented their responses into categories:

The Big Picture:
How God is using this situation for your advantage and how the evil one is using this situation to damn you and destroy your family.

Work on Yourself

What To Do

What Not To Do

The Big Picture

Husband 1 sets the stage by giving us an overview of the battle at hand:

“When my wife is unresponsive physically or emotionally, I experience a true deprivation. That deprivation, in spiritual terms is what we call desolation.”

“When I feel loneliness, stressed, or betrayed by my wife I am tempted to find something—usually not of God—to fill that emptiness.”

“Be aware of false consolations.”

“The measure of a man is defined by what he turns to during moments of severe desolation.”

Husband 1 alerts us that when we experience a void of love, attention, affection, affirmation, and respect from our wives we will be gravely tempted to fill that void with false consolations like porn, hanging out with the bros at the bar, methamphetamines, video gaming, binging on alcohol, food, streaming content.

Again, when a wife is not responsive to his efforts, he will be gravely tempted to succumb to filling that desolation with an illicit consolation.
Ironically, not only is he deprived of his wife’s love, but he also deprives himself of God and the purifying work that God is doing in his soul.

Additionally, Husband 1 says that

“When feeling this desolation, we are also tempted to deny the legitimacy of unfulfilled needs. It is necessary that we bring those unmet needs and the pain that they cause to God, and to others who will listen to you, such as a trusted brother in Christ, a counselor, or a priest.”

“Trauma,” he continues, “isn’t due to suffering only, but also the lack of having empathetic witnesses.”

In other words, trauma is compounded when we have no one to share it with and no one to empathize with us.

It is essential not to bury the pain of the unmet needs lest we become resentful, bitter, and unfaithful.

“Recognize and affirm the legitimate, unmet need, and bring it to God and to others for the purpose of finding resolution.”

Notice that Husband 1 demonstrates how the evil one will move us away from God (isolation) and how we are to move toward God during such difficult times.

Work on Yourself

Husband 2 tells us,

“If she is not responding to any type of affirming action, it is because something is broken, terminally which has three root causes:

He thinks he married the wrong woman. Probably because of fornication, lust, or a bad job of gauging virtue. Either way, unfortunate for him! Marriage is indissoluble, man up!
She was a good a virtuous woman but is now suffering from hormone and mineral imbalances and has become volatile.
He has neglected his vocation as a husband and has allowed the trust and respect she once had in and for him to deteriorate so badly that she has disdain for him.

“In most cases the lion’s share of the problem rests in the latter. If she has checked out and will not respond to anything he does, he should seek counseling immediately, with or without her. This didn’t happen in a vacuum and, short of it being a dramatic hormone imbalance, it is never one-sided!”

Husband 2 is alerting us to the reality that we can never change others; we can only change ourselves—and that is difficult enough to accomplish.
By changing ourselves for the better, we begin to behave and respond more charitably, and that charity becomes magnetic and persuasive.

As St. Augustine of Hippo said, “You cannot give what you do not possess.”
Work with God and allow Him to transform you personally, and this will help transform your relationships.
Personal transformation leads to relational transformation.

Again, Husband 2 encourages us to examine ourselves:

“Self-examination is non-negotiable. Seek a spiritual advisor if necessary: Your wife is not as crazy as you think she is. Looking interiorly will provide reasons for her lack of respect and apathy. Amend the actions and remediate the root cause, probably something like lust, desire for attention, pride, sloth, or lack of attentiveness to her. It is more than likely your ingratitude—at some level.”

“Remain autonomous (self-supporting): Being in relationship with our Lord is an inside job, no one can do it for us. We need our wives, no doubt, but when we rely on them to make us feel better, they will absolutely fall short. When we assign someone else the responsibility of making us feel better, they inevitably fail because they are human.”

This point is the flipside of Husband 1’s point: the void of consolation must be filled with the correct type of consolation: spiritual consolation.

This can only be obtained by being vulnerable with Our Lord by:

Exposing the deep need to God. “I need x, But my wife is not giving x to me. I need you to help me, sustain me, and be sufficient for me.”
Commit to spiritual exercises.

Which brings us to point number 3:
What To Do

Husband 3 tells us,
“I do not see myself as a model by any stretch. Here are the things that I think have provided me the most strength in vocational challenges:

Daily spiritual growth: 15 minutes a day of spiritual reading; helps to process things and put them in perspective and integrate them into a sense of purpose
Family prayer: hard to corral family for rosary, but well worth it. Praying together counteracts so many tensions. Also, prayers at meals and nighttime blessings
Holy Mass – nothing more powerful. Attending as a family is powerful, as well as offering Holy Communion for family and vocation
Spiritual direction and friendship. need advice and objective assessments, encouragement.
Devotion to Our Lady, St. Joseph, Guardian Angels, and other heavenly patrons
Weekly time with spouse – we have found rotating between cafes, a long walks, and shopping provides a good environment for bonding and discussion as needed
The toughest one: patience when interrupted or otherwise treated with apparent disrespect. Still working on this one, but pride is not a solution to any problem. The yoke is sweet if we embrace it for Christ.”

Notice that Husband 3 is intentional about working on himself by working with God.
He is also relentless in maintaining and fulfilling the office of priest of his family.

By leading his family in prayer, grace is given; and that grace is healing and unifying.

Though at times he may feel defeated by his wife’s lack of responsiveness, nevertheless, he refuses to allow his spiritual authority to be usurped. On the contrary he presses on in leading his family to God.

Husband 2 offers further “To Do” counsel:
“Remember your vocation as domestic priest. A priest in one who offers sacrifice. Sacrifice for her. Lack of sacrifice and an indulgent lifestyle is probably why you are in this spot in the first place. Put away the video games, boys’ nights out, golf game with the fellas, the porn, and get back to being an ascetic man. Remove any priority deficiency from your life.”

“Fasting and prayer: Fast for her often, regardless of how aggravated you are with her. I have implemented a 3-day fast every time my wife has an outbreak of resentment. It has been really fruitful. Fasting is like throwing a five-gallon bucket of gas on the open flame of prayer.”

What Not to Do

Husband 1 tells us to
“Not bury the legitimate unmet need. It hurts but bring that pain to God. Otherwise, you will become bitter and resentful.”

Husband 2 warns:
“Don’t pander: She won’t be persuaded by logical or theological arguments for why she should care. Most women have really good BS meters and can tell when men are doing things in order to “win them over.” Rather, be the man of virtue and character who will do what is right because it’s right. She will need to see his spiritual strength independent of her, and not reliant upon her, for her to gain a newfound respect for him. Putting on a “show” for her will not do the trick, virtue is its own reward.”

Notice that none of these three men counseled us to separate from or divorce our wives. In fact, Husband 1 offers us an incredible piece of wisdom:

“God is testing us. We should anticipate that He is a good Father and that a good father scourges every son whom He loves. By means of this trial, He is purifying us of our effeminate character and forging our masculinity, by making us trusting sons of God.”

If we avoid the pain, and sedate ourselves on carnal appetites, or worse flee from our wives, we are actually fleeing from God, His Holy Will and His work of transforming us into faithful sons of God.

Husband 3 wisely says,
“Sometimes we simply need to suffer for our wives. After all, they suffer us.”

Men, I hope this is as edifying to you as it has been for me.
This wisdom is gold and is to be leaned on in those difficult times of marital desolation.
By working on ourselves, with God, God can bring about not only our own transformation, but also the miracle of a renewed and redeemed marriage.

Devin Schadt | Executive Director of the Fathers of St. Joseph

Ite ad Joseph