Boys Forever? Reclaiming Confidence Amidst a Directionless Masculinity

What this article is about:

The widespread crisis among American men is not due to economics or social trends but to a catastrophic abandonment of faith, conviction, and the pursuit of greatness, and calls for a reclaiming of traditional masculine confidence.

What you will find:

• The so-called “crisis of masculinity” is not a sociological puzzle but a spiritual and moral disaster
• Modern definitions of confidence—rooted in feelings and circumstances—are a trap that renders men weak, fearful, and endlessly stuck
• The epidemic of listlessness, addiction, and despair among men is a direct result of abandoning clear convictions and hopes worth fighting and dying for
• Men are called to magnanimity: to stretch their souls toward greatness, to reject blame, victimhood, and excuses
• The four ways to reclaim confidence

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Boys Forever? Reclaiming Confidence Amidst a Directionless Masculinity

“63% of men wished they were more masculine.”
“59% of men don’t feel like an adult.”
https://ifstudies.org/report-brief/americas-demoralized-men-part-1

Men feel stuck.
Especially young men.
A search for “Crisis of masculinity” finds sociologists citing economic shifts, gaps between societal expectations and perceived traits, wage stagnation, delayed independence, postponed homeownership, and a lack of traditional family formation as reasons men in their 20s and 30s feel stuck.

Economic and societal factors disconnect men from authentic masculinity, but there is a deeper root cause.

A while back, a young man in his 30s and I had an honest conversation about stepping up and becoming better men.
This young man had two young children, a part-time job, and lived rent-free at his grandparents’ home for at least three years.
When he moved into his grandparents’ house, he promised that it would only be a couple of months.
He kept repeating that same promise.
That promise proved empty.

During our conversation, he recounted that he had an online counseling session with Andrew Tate shortly after moving in with Grandpa and Grandma.
He asked Andrew what he needed to do to turn his life around.
Tate told him, “You’re fat. Quit being a fat ass.”

Reflecting on Tate’s advice, he said to me, “He’s right.”
I, however, wondered internally whether that advice was beneficial.

Diagnosing versus Identifying the Remedy

It is easy for us to diagnose problems—especially other people’s problems —as Tate, with keen insight, assessed this young man’s weight problem.
However, it is more difficult and far more productive to develop a prognosis.
Like Tate, anyone can identify another’s shortcomings.
Yet what we need is not just diagnosis, but a remedy for our lack of strong, resilient, persevering, daring, and fearless manhood.

What this young man, and 63% of men, lack is confidence.
This deficiency is central to explaining why so many men today feel stuck and struggle with their sense of manhood.

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The World’s Version of Confidence

Webster’s defines confidence as “a feeling or consciousness of one’s powers or of reliance on one’s circumstances.”
Unfortunately, this definition conditions us to believe that confidence is a feeling about oneself, one’s own strength, and abilities.
So confidence becomes merely how we feel.

I don’t know about you, but there are days, many days in fact, when I don’t “feel” it.

Furthermore, Webster’s defines confidence as a reliance on one’s circumstances.
According to this logic, if my circumstances are good, I will be confident.
If my situation isn’t favorable, my confidence falters.

Maybe it’s just me, but do you see the problem with this definition of confidence?
This definition says that your confidence relies on feelings and external factors beyond your control.

Confidence is More Than a Feeling

Tell this to Judas Maccabeus, who, with two thousand men, routed over 30,000 soldiers of King Demetrius’ army.
Tell this to King David, who, as a boy, overcame the feeling of fear, and in spite of objectively dismal circumstances, slayed the giant Goliath, resulting in the dawning of a New Israel.
How does this type of confidence align with the psalmist’s prayer, “Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.” (Psalm 23:4)
Or, “I will not fear thousands of the people, surrounding me: arise, O Lord; save me, O my God.” (Psalm 3:6)

No wonder 63% of men don’t feel like men when their confidence depends on feelings and circumstances.

Confidence is more than feelings.
Confidence is not essentially determined by one’s surroundings.
This strength arises from within.
Afforded by God, confidence is foundational to masculinity.

Living confidently is the key remedy to sparing men from perpetual boyhood.

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Reclaiming True Confidence

Men have not been told, have not been taught, and have not been shown that they are called by God to do great things.

St. Thomas Aquinas defines magnanimity (magnus, great; animus, soul) as the stretching of the mind toward great things.
A magnanimous man has a great soul that is minded to do a great act.

I realize that Mother Theresa said that we are not to do great things, but little things with great love.
And St. Therese says that when we set ourselves to the task of doing great things, God leaves us alone.

Yet, she who said to do little things with great love did great things.
And the one who said we are not to focus on doing great works gave the Church one of the greatest spiritual treasures: The Story of a Soul.

What both of these saints are saying is not to despise the little things.
“Do not despise humble beginnings” (See Zachariah 4:10).

Consistently performing little actions with excellence affords greater opportunities.
Christ Himself said that those who are faithful in small matters will be given greater responsibilities.
Love in little things and great responsibilities, acts, are not mutually exclusive, but rather are dependent upon one another.

God does call us to “stretch forth toward great things—yet without becoming attached to our personal greatness.
As St. Thomas tells us, the magnanimous man pursues great honors while not seeking to be rewarded or recognized for them.

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So, Where Does Confidence Truly Come From?

St. Thomas tells us that “the magnanimous man is confident in himself.”
He has a “certain strength of hope that is opposed to fear.”

Indeed, this is precisely what we men of today need but often lack.

So, how do we obtain true confidence?
Confidence comes from the Latin word fides, faith.
Hence, confidence is the belief in something and in someone.

Furthermore, Thomas tells us that man derives hope through believing the word of one who promises to help him.

Consequently, 63% of men feel like boys.
Why, because they don’t believe in God or His promises.

Losing Touch With The One Who Empowers Us

The majority of men do not believe in anything or anyone.
They have not heard the word of the One who promises to help them.
Often, we can be professing theists and practicing agnostics.
We say we believe in God, but we do not rely on Him.
We say we know Jesus, yet rarely recall His promises.
And for this reason, we are pusillanimous (weak-hearted) and settle for porn, Netflix, booze, drugs, video gaming, doom scrolling, and sleeping in.

We have lost the zest, the passion for life.
We shy away from considering that we are created by God to do great things.
Why? Because we simply lack the faith necessary to believe that we can be saints.

St. Thomas tells us that confidence is the firm conviction that the hoped-for good will be obtained.

Furthermore, he says that it “comes from some observation which gives a strong opinion that one will obtain a certain good.”

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Practical Analysis: Identifying Your Weak Link

Based on the aforementioned, let us ask ourselves:

1. Have you observed God’s aid in your life?

This is the beginning of all good things.
Without serious reflection on God’s provision and protection for you, you will lack trust in Him.

2. Do you have the conviction that God will help you?

God only grants his favors to those who trust in Him.
Faith is believing in something that is not yet seen.

If you lack confidence, it is because you lack faith in God and his aid.

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Furthermore, ask yourself three clarifying questions:

1. Do you have any solid convictions?

Are they worth financial and temporal investment?
Are your convictions worth fighting and dying for?
A warrior fights for that which he loves: God, faith, country, family, heritage.
If you fight for nothing, then the warrior in you is either sedated or dead.

Examples of convictions:

• My life has been given to me to give God the utmost glory.
  My banner is “Glorify God, and God will glorify me.
  Glorify myself, and amen, I have already received that pittance of tarnished praise.”
• Souls are falling into Hell like leaves from trees.
  I have the God-given responsibility to save them from damnation and for eternal glorification.
• God has ordained me to bear much fruit—in this life and the life to come.
• Worship and love of God are the essentials, the core components of my daily life.
  Without Him and His love, I wither and fade.
  Therefore, I spend not just moments, but hours with Him daily, seeking His truth, His way, that His life may be lived in me.
• My wife and my marriage, second only to God, is the most important relationship I have.
  I will invest in that relationship, with the conviction that our marital love reflects Christ’s fidelity and sacrificial love for His Church.
  I will do whatever it takes to make her feel loved by God and to help her experience His redemptive work in her life.
• God has given me the power and potential to raise up children to be saints.
  Therefore, I will be the face of God the Father that my children cannot see; the voice of God the Father that my children cannot hear; the touch of God the Father that my children cannot feel.
  I will do all in my power to reflect and reveal God’s eternal fatherhood to them.
• I have identified the world as an enemy. Worldliness must be conquered in my desires and carnal appetites.
  I refuse to bow down to men, vying for their respect and honors.
  I choose to be known by God rather than to be noticed by men.
• My vocation is at the service of my occupation—not the other way around.
  Money, the pursuit of wealth, deeming my security in mammon and status has no place in my soul.
  I work to honor God, help others, and ultimately provide for my family’s well-being.

There are countless maxims that we could develop.
However, it is essential that we articulate, memorize, and abide by them.

A life without conviction is a life of despair.

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2. What is your hope?

Can you articulate your tangible hopes?
“I want to go to heaven.”
Okay.
That is a good hope.
But what is heaven?

I want to behold you, Lord, face to face.
God, I want to enter the eternal self-giving exchange of your Godhead for all eternity.
These are real, tangible hopes.

Lesser hopes can be the success of an endeavor, a mission, a business development, or a marriage.
The point is that without hope, life is banal.
Life becomes the systematic recurrence of living for the weekend – or living for “quitting time.”

Hope has no quitting time.

Rather, it is a double-edged sword.
On one hand, our hope excites, energizes the mind, motivates the soul, occupies our mind, and exhilarates the man.
On the other hand, hope instills a certain challenge and, at times, sadness.
We have not obtained that for which we hope, and therefore, our souls will not rest until that hope is obtained.

St. Thomas defines hope as the general desire for the difficult good.

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Which raises a third question:

3. Do you have goals that are both good and difficult to obtain?

Analyze your goals.
Are they good?
Do they better your soul, your family, and your neighbor’s life?
Do they glorify God?

Or are they marked with selfish dissipation of life and temporal fixations?
Are your goals difficult to obtain?

This is important.
Most of us want to take the easy way out.
We want a smooth, well-paved road.
However, as Our Lord points out, that road leads to hopelessness and hell.

If your goal is not difficult to obtain, then you lack magnanimity, and if you lack magnanimity, you will lack confidence.

“Directionlessness” is not an actual word, but it is the condition of the modern masculine soul.
A man lacks direction because he lacks good goals.
He lacks good goals because he has no convictions.
Moreso, he lacks conviction, and therefore, he has no hope.
Therefore, he despairs of ever doing more than retiring.

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Four Steps Toward Reclaiming Confidence

1. Stop blaming. Stop making excuses.

“If only my boss wasn’t such a…”
“I use porn because my wife is checked out.”
“I don’t tithe because I don’t have a lot of money.”
“The woman whom you put here with me made me do it.” – Adam, the original man.

Your life will never lack adversarial circumstances.

The boy blames his failures on the world around him.
The man sees those adversarial conditions as challenges that push him further to find a solution.

His motto: There is a way to fix this.
There is a way to make this better.

2. Take responsibility for your own actions.

Jesus, by disclosing the parable of the talents, reveals that in the end, God will not judge us based on someone else’s influence.
God’s judgment is based on how we use the talents that He has given us.
You and I are responsible for using our own gifts and abilities to the fullest.
We take responsibility by seeking God’s aid while working diligently and with excellence.

Christ is capable of giving you “new wine,” provided that you fill your jars to the brim.
As Augustine said, the God who created you without you will not save you without you.

3. Build Your Rule of Life

Set yourself to identifying minor habits, devotions, and daily acts that will make you the man you desire to become.
In the final analysis, there are two types of habits:
those that make you weak and entrap you in pusillanimity and sloth.
And those that make you strong, resilient, patient, persevering, and loving.
If you want a solid article on developing a life plan, go here.

4. Identity Reset

The problem of confidence is not so much external as it is internal.

The struggle to be confident is completely dependent on two things:
First, knowing God.
Second, knowing yourself.

God is your Father.
A good father is trustworthy.
Do you know your Father?
Further, do you trust Him?
Is your ultimate goal to spend your life glorifying Him?

You are His Son.
He has chosen you.
The Father desires you.
God wants to share his glory with you.
Without resetting our identity to these two core beliefs, we will inevitably turn to the world and its maxims in hopes of finding ourselves, a quest that will never succeed.

If you would like a solid article on knowing God as Father, click here.

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Let us overcome lack of direction, disappointment, dissatisfaction, and the dissipation of our existence by identifying those exalted, hoed for great acts.
Then, let us reclaim a firm confidence that God will aid us in accomplishing these great deeds.
Pray for it.
Beg God for it.
Believe His promise: that those who ask for the Holy Spirit will receive Him and His graces.

Lastly, let us live daily by a rule of life composed of little habits that strengthen our character, our soul, our relationships, and the world around us, glorifying God in time and in eternity.