She’s not Responding – 4 Things A Husband Can Do

The Pain Inflicted by a Wife Who Has Withdrawn

It is becoming a common occurrence.

Many Catholic husbands suffer the painful experience of a wife who has emotionally checked out of the marriage, refuses intimacy, and no longer responds to efforts to restore the relationship.
When direct attempts to repair the marriage fail, a husband may wonder if there is anything he can do to win his wife back.

At retreats, men’s conferences, radio shows, via email, I inevitably hear husbands lament that their wife is checked out, no longer responding to him and their marriage is nearly finished.

They live like brother and sister.
They are now sleeping in different rooms.
They only communicate about the practical elements of life: who’s taking the kids where, what bills need to be paid, who’s taking the car to the mechanic.

Shackled in a painful marital purgatory, the Catholic man on one hand is bound to his wife by a solemn vow to His Lord and God, while on the other hand, this wife to whom he is bound is no longer bound to him in her heart.

They’ve gone to counseling.
He’s seen a therapist.
They’ve talked to their parish priest.
He’s asked her, ad infinitum, to discuss how they can move beyond the drift.
He asks her to go out on a date.
She wants nothing to do with it.
She refuses.
Nothing has worked.

She refuses to express love to him.
She won’t have intercourse with him.
She no longer respects him.
She makes his life miserable in many and varied ways.

He’s stuck.
He’s imprisoned.
He feels that his life is over.
He has no special person to share his dreams and aspirations with.
He won’t have an affair.
He fears the Lord and refuses to damage his filial relationship with God the Father.

Four Ways to Win Your Wife Back

He can’t take this problem head on.
Meaning, he can no longer approach his wife directly with his petition to work on healing their marriage.
That ship has sailed.

And yet…he loves her. He wants her.
He wants nothing more than his marriage to be good again.
So, what can he do…if anything?

If you are in this situation, there are four indirect, covert things that you can do to win your wife again.

1. Pray for Her

Don’t pray, “God show her how stupid she is. Break her heart of stone. Make her crawl back to me and beg my forgiveness.”
God won’t answer that prayer.
Rather pray something along the lines,

“Lord Jesus, the eternal Bridegroom, You who know what it is like to have a Bride wound your heart. Draw my wife into your most Sacred Heart. Allow her to feel and experience your love once again. Let her know your great love for her.”

If this prayer is answered, your wife’s heart will gradually soften, be opened and far more receptive to receiving your attention and affection.

2. Offer One Hidden Daily Sacrifice for Her
Without telling your wife, skip a meal, sacrifice the morning coffee.
Do a social media fast, take a cold shower, or when internally enraged by her behavior, ask God to bless your wife with His undying relentless love without letting any resentment or retaliation seep out of your soul and skin.

When you sacrifice something to God on behalf of another, you make your prayer meaningful, powerful and show the legitimacy of your petition.
In other words, you demonstrate that you mean what you pray and pray what you mean.

Our Lord, referencing certain demons said, “This kind can only be cast out by prayer and fasting.”
He can cast out the demon that is torturing your wife, but he needs your prayer coupled with fasting.

3. Perform One Daily Act of Service for Her

This demands a little research.
Evaluate her daily undertakings and duties.
Try to notice basic, little things that she does herself, and perhaps feels burdened by.
Take one of those little things and do it for her without drawing any attention to yourself.
It could be as simple as taking out the garbage, unloading the dishwasher, getting the kids ready for school while she sleeps in, stopping by the grocery store on your way home from work…but whatever you do, do it without saying, “I unloaded the dishwasher for you.”
She will resent that you did it “for her.”
Just do it and walk away.
Do this daily.
Eventually she will detect the sincerity of your being a gift to her.

4. Speak One Daily Word of Affirmation to Her

This may be the most challenging of the four recommended practices.
To find something worth affirming in the wife that hates your guts is extremely difficult.
Christ says, something along the lines of “What good is it if you are kind to and greet others who are kind to you. Love your enemies”—especially your wife.
Dig deep, muster your charitable strength, ask God that when you open your mouth and address your wife an encouraging, uplifting compliment will roll over your lips.

It could be something simple like, “You look great.”

By the way, refrain from saying, adding “today.”— “You look great…today.”
She will conclude that you think she looked absolutely terrible the day prior…and of course she will despise you even more.
As Tolkien wrote in the Hobbit, “Out of the frying pan and into the fire.”

You could say something like, “You are great with the kids,”; “Thank you for taking the kids to x”; or “dinner was great…thank you.”
Do this one time per day… Every day.

These practices may appear small, almost insignificant. Yet love expressed through prayer, sacrifice, service, and affirmation possesses a hidden power.
Over time, these actions communicate something words alone cannot: that your love for your wife is not dependent upon how she treats you.
This sacrificial way is the essence of being the Well-Ordered Man.

Questions Men Often Ask in This Situation

What if my wife refuses to work on the marriage?
When a wife refuses to engage directly in repairing the relationship, a husband can still influence the marriage indirectly through prayer, sacrifice, service, and patience. Never doubt God’s grace. You cannot change your marriage, but God can. God, however, will not do it without you. Do these things as though everything depends on you, while depending completely on God.

What if my wife no longer respects me?
Respect cannot be demanded; it is usually awakened by consistent virtue. A husband who remains calm, faithful, sacrificial, and steady in love often wins his wife’s trust and admiration.

What if my wife refuses intimacy?
The absence of intimacy can wound a husband deeply. While he cannot force affection or reconciliation, he can respond by sacrificing his sexual desires, offering them as a prayer for her.

Can a marriage recover after emotional withdrawal?
Many marriages have recovered even after long periods of distance. When one spouse begins to act differently—especially through humility, sacrifice, and prayer—it often wins the other spouse’s trust, opening his or her heart to healing.

As the spring sunlight removes the winter’s coldness, warming the flower with its shafts of light, the flower naturally, instinctively responds by opening its petals to receive the warmth. Similarly, though these four actions don’t sound like much, over time, they provide the light and warmth of the Son of God, which becomes most difficult to resist

If your wife has emotionally withdrawn from the marriage entirely, you may also find helpful insights in She’s Checked Out Emotionally: Advice From Three Men.

For a deeper explanation of the spiritual meaning of marital intimacy and how a husband can respond with sacrificial love, see When She’s Not Giving What You Need.